Be Real

Joy Unspeakable

2010-10-29T10:48:00.001-05:00

Familiar words filled my ears.

“I’m in a fight not physical. I’m in a war, but not with this world.”

A smile began to grow on my face.

“Joy unspeakable that won’t go away…”

And I remembered.

The last year.

A long year.

Of ups and downs and in betweens.

Of tears and laughter and memories made.

A year of freedom.

Wednesday made a year since that fateful day where my journey shifted.

A year since the road I was traveling seemed to abruptly come to an end and I was placed, no dropped, on a new road.

A year is a long time, and a lot can change.

A lot has changed.

The coffee shop I sit in is a long ways from that dorm room in Sterling Kansas.

The faces that occupy the rooms surrounding mine look a lot different.

The laughter that fills the halls of my school – even that has changed.

The air.

It smells different.

The wind isn’t as breezy or daunting.

But, I kind of miss that.

I am not the person that wandered through the streets of Sterling Kansas.

I am not the student who somehow stumbled out of bed eight minutes before her eight am class, grabbed an energy drink, settling into her class just as it begun.

I am no longer a cross country runner – struggling to find her way as a college athlete.

I do not wear a ribbon in my hair every day.

In reality – I do not even wear make-up every day.

But the biggest difference between last Halloween and this Halloween.

I am happy.

I am joyful.

I am alive.

I am proud of who I am.

I made some wrong turns along the way.

I ended up places I shouldn’t have been.

But along the way – I meet people.

Laughed.

Skinned up my knees and was forced to teach myself how to stand up.

How to rely on the only one who will ALWAYS be there.

When all else failed.

HE stood strong.

He gave me strength – when I thought I had none.

He loved me – when I thought no one did.

And – He held my hand when the only one I thought I had to hold was my own.

Hitting rock bottom – which I can honestly say I did time and time again last year.

Forced me to look up.

And looking up forced me to get back on my feet.

Forced me to make decisions and rely on HIM.

And myself.

It’s the middle of the fall semester.

Last year at this time – I was leaving school.

This year I sit in the midst of an eighteen hour semester (the first of many…) with straight A’s.

And, nearly perfect attendance.

I have an apartment, a car, and am volunteering with a youth group.

I pay my bills, buy my own groceries, cook my own meals, and do my own laundry.

In a sense, I am independent.

That independence feels good.

Responsibility for myself, for my future, and for my decisions now falls completely on me.

When I started school this year – people had doubts.

Would I stand or would I fall?

I even doubted.

Was I capable?

Was I ready?

Those doubts were erased as I sit here.

Alive.

I’ve never breathed so deeply.

I’ve never lived life so fully.

I’ve never felt so full of joy.

Ever.

Freedom feels good.

The freedom to live.

The freedom to love.

The freedom to smile.

The freedom to throw on sweat pants a sweat shirt and go to class – without second guessing what other people will think.

The freedom to laugh – and mean it.

I am proud.

Proud of where I stand today –

Knowing where I’ve been.

The dirt I’ve rolled around in.

The mud I let cover my eyes for so long.

Proud of the person I am becoming.

Even if it isn’t necessarily what everyone thought that person would look like.

I am proud to be alive.

Proud to be able to wrap my arms around the people who mean the world to me.

And tell them I love them.

My life hasn’t worked exactly like I planned it out all those years ago.

In fact – if you would have told me I’d be at Texas State majoring in Interdisciplinary Studies and minoring in Religion and Social Work.

I probably would have tried to slap YOU back to reality.

It isn’t how I PLANNED to save the world.

But – it is what makes my heart come alive.

There is even freedom in that.

Freedom in NOT doing what you’ve planned.

Freedom in NOT planning.

Freedom in deciding one Saturday morning to not ever get out of your pajamas.

And the next… to take a road trip.

Sure I have a ways to go.

About 90 credits before my degrees are done.

Lots of eighteen hour semesters and summer classes.

I used to believe you couldn’t really start living until you had graduated.

Had a degree.

Had a job.

Had a family.

The last year has made me realize.

Life is happening NOW.

Tomorrow is going to happen – whether you LIVE today or not.

Looking back at the road I’ve traveled my heart melts.

I’ve left a lot of memories behind.

People lay scattered on that road.

Many whom I vowed to keep better in touch with.

Many whom I am vowing once again to reconnect with.

Many of whom I never lost connections with.

And yet still some, whom I will never see or speak to again.

But they are part of the journey.

Part of the road.

Part of the life that has brought me here to this point.

A point where for the first time.

I look back and am not disgusted by what I see.

I am encouraged because it got me here.

Loving Life.

Contently seeking.

Alas.

Some things do not change.

I still procrastinate.

A 1,000 word research paper to write.

Rough Draft = Due Monday.

The words continue to play as I continue after marking this moment in eternity…

“Joy unspeakable that won’t away.

Just enough strength to live for today.

So I never have to worry what tomorrow will bring.

Cause my faith is on a solid rock.

I am COUNTING on GOD.”

Sit. Remember. Breathe.. and then maybe sing a little 6-23-10

2010-10-29T10:43:00.001-05:00

(backposted again..)

Tonight I sit.
I remember.
And I breathe.
Sit. Remember. Breathe.

I’m alone, normally I don’t do alone well.
Tonight I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Silence is my companion, with the ever-present roar of the air conditioning.
A texas summer, what can I say?
Occasionally there is a knock on the get a ways door, someone wants in.
That door is picky about which keys work.
But anyway.
Tonight I sit alone.

I am remembering.
Wally. Mallory. Bekah Faye. Amber. Robyn. Holly. Mel. Gretchen. Krista. Jessie.
Names and faces and tears and laughter.
I am remembering what this camp has been to me, and what it is to me now.
I had forgotten.

I am breathing.
Somewhere between the campers and the messages from home and the bloody noses and the friendships I had forgotten to breathe.
So tonight I breathe.
Inhale. Exhale.
Deeply.
And I’m not about to go on some ludicrous speed song in big group or summer staff happening.
Tonight I’m just breathing to breathe.

I realized today how much I had forgotten.
How sometimes even with the right motives, our train can get off track.
Earlier this week I received a letter from a camper, all we did was hang out in the gym together.
This weekend I watched third and fourth graders kneel at the alter and pray.
Last week I had a cabin full of fifth and sixth grades whom I love dearly.
I was trying to make the campers the center of this summer.
I wanted to be everything I could be for them, and for this camp.
I wanted everyone to know I was working as hard as I could and trying as hard as I could.
I wanted everyone to know that this camp was what kept my heart beating.
But today….
Today I realized that somehow I had got caught up and forgot about what this camp is all about.

Jesus.
I cannot be everything for this camp and these campers.
I will not and cannot be perfect.
My constant trying is only making my falls harder, and more difficult to overcome.
I WILL fall.
And when I let Him, that is where he will shine.

It takes me back to Tessera.
Such a big part of my life then…
I am remembering learning of puke green times of our lives, and how important they are.
But today, Tessera has an all new meaning.
To be a Tessera you must be broken.
It isn’t straight lines, and in those cracks between the pieces.
That is where the LORD shines the brightest.

I have been so caught up in being “good” enough.
Being “strong” enough.
Being “spiritual” enough to do this job.
That I forgot, that really I am never going to be any of those things.
And, in that, I have to stop trying.
Because my striving is just getting in the way of God working.
And working He is.
Even in spite of me.
I see it on the faces of these campers.
I saw it in that letter I received.
I just have to let Him work.
Stop trying so hard.
The campers, they don’t need me to save them.
Jesus saves.
I just love.
That I know how to do.

A song we sing often here at camp is filling my head right now.
In fact I stopped at this exact second to make it play through the room….

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are crying?
Left me lift up your face….
Just don’t turn away….

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?
Where will you go child?
Where will you run?
To where will you run?

Hearing those words makes my heart stop.
I hear them so often in worship, surrounded by campers whom I love.
Campers whom I apply that song to.
But tonight, while I am alone.
Those words are to me.
Those questions are questions to me.
And I need to answer them, not just for myself, but because come Friday night… I will have campers again…
And for them… I need to know who HE is.
And who that makes me in HIM.

Later in the song….
Please don’t fight these hands that are holding you….
My heart sinks… I have fought.
Hard and long.
And because I wanted to not need them.
I wanted to be strong enough without Him.
And now reading those words, I realize how stupid it was.
I am NOT strong without Him.
I cannot be strong without Him.
I do not want to be strong without Him.

Every good and perfect thing we receive comes from the LORD.
I think back to the day I found out I got this job.
How happy I was.
I think back to the days after that.
The nerves that set in.
I think back to the final weeks leading up to camp.
The packing and unpacking.
The planning and the replanning.
The excitement and nerves blending together.
I think back to training.
The long days and the friendships beginning.
The fear of never being good enough.
The fear that has stolen away so much of the first two and a half weeks of summer.

Perfect love casts out all fear.
HIS love is perfect.
In HIM I can rest.
Somehow in all my striving I forgot that.
I forgot that really deep down, I am lovely.
I forgot.
But tonight I’m beginning to remember.

Remember that girl who sat on turner steps year after year.
Dreaming.
That girl who walked the streets of Brooklyn, in a bright orange shirt drenched in a mixture of sweat, water, and tears of joy
Loving.
That girl who wrote the mission statement that remains engraved on her honor academy diploma.
“I will radiate God’s love to the lost and broken of this world. Bringing hope to the hopeless, a friend to the friendless, a Father to the fatherless, and love to the unloved. I will reach out a hand to the abused and neglected whom so many have forgotten.”
And in the midst of all the remembering I found peace.

I didn’t think I’d get this job.
It took convincing myself to fill that application out FIVE times for me to actually finish it.
I was determined it wouldn’t be me, not this summer.
And somehow… I got here.
That was Him whispering in my ear… “ I haven’t forgotten you…”
I remember that feeling… the feeling of knowing how present He is.
The feeling that everything really would all be okay.
And I remember the second I let go of that.
The second I tried to be good enough was the second I forgot that it was God that brought me back here….
I forgot that HIS grace was enough.
Nothing I did or have done was “good” enough to get this job.
But HE gave it to me.
And the second I tried to make it mine.
I lost the only thing that allowed it to be mine.

When I decided it was mine.
This job was mine.
I was going to be the best summer staffer ever.
I lost track of the fact that He gave me this job and only through HIM would I be successful.
I started to doubt myself.
When you doubt yourself… others begin to doubt you.
Tonight I realized.
I doubted because I was depending on myself, and not on the LORD.
HE is the ONLY way I, or any of us can do this job this summer.

Tonight.
I sat.
I breathed.
I remembered.
Him in HIS glory.
That HE brought me here.
And HE is the only way to be successful.

After I sat.
It was time to sing.

Standing at the cross, a lit candle in my hand, singing to the campers.
I realized that truly….
There is no where else I would rather be….
And tonight… I’m more confident than I have ever been.
Not in myself, but in HIM in ME.

I sat.
I remembered.
I breathed.
And then… I sang…
It’s going to be a good summer…

.

He Didn't Forget -- 4-23-2010 (back posted again)

2010-10-29T10:42:00.001-05:00

Monday morning I stayed in bed as long as I could.

I rolled over, and shut my eyes praying sleep would return to them.

It had little to do with the finally here spring break.

Little to do with the purring cat sleeping at my feet.

Little to do with the fact that I really had nothing that had to get it done.

I was waiting.

Time seems to stand still when dreams are on the line.

“I would like to extend an official invite to you to join the 2010 Summer Staff at Glen Lake camp…”

Bundled with emotions, I wasn’t sure what to do next.

Three summers I’d spent at Glen Lake.

All different.

All life-changing.

July 2005.

My first non-basketball camp. Skit night. Pickles. A broken ankle. Cabin 3. Highs and lows. Memories. Friends. Laughter. Jello Fights. Thursday night I sat quietly on Turner Steps and gave my life to Christ.

June 2006.

Tears. Hotdogs. That little green grape. Cheerio Pirate Twins. The turtle dance. Unskit night. Cooked oatmeal and tootsie rolls. ML. Thursday night I sat outside Bekah Faye’s cabin, looking between her and my best friend, tears rolling down my face, knowing that somewhere in all this mess, and all this pain, God was present.

July 2008.

Secret Senior Thursday Night Get Together. Sleep. Leading morning devotional. Heroes. Spoons. Last night as a camper. This little light of mine. Chocolate Syrup. Thursday night I stood in front of turner steps, and explained in words what Glen Lake meant to me.

The place where I grew.

Learned.

Cried.

Laughed.
Celebrated.

It seems fitting that after the six months that I’ve had.

When a wrecking ball came in and tore apart everything I knew.

That I return to the place were I first came to understand.

Grace.

Love. (Be Love.)

Joy.

Peace.

Heartbreak.

Carrying each other’s burdens.

Vulnerability.

Brokenness.

The place where I learned to dream.

Is where I will be returning.

It all seemed unreal.

Finally (nine months later) finishing the application.

Sliding it into the mail slot.

Finding references.

Setting up the interview.

The interview.

Waiting for that email.

\

I didn’t think there was a chance.

Not me, not this summer.

And then the email came.

Yes me.

Yes this summer.

God whispered in my ear “I didn’t forget you.”

For the last six months I’d wondered where God had been.

At times I’d felt Him.

His arms holding me together when life was tearing me apart.

But as I watched what I had planned as my future slip away.

I wondered where He was.

Had He forgotten what He had promised me?

Had He forgotten my dreams?

I had forgotten who I was.

I had forgotten my dreams.

Somewhere between trying to do all the right things, and please all the right people.

I forgot.

I forgot about that girl.

The girl who sat on those steps looking out over that lake and dreamed.

The girl who laughed until her abs hurt.

The girl who spent more time pretending she knew how to make a lanyard than it would have taken to learn to make one.

The girl who talked about that ONE week of her summer for six months after it happened.

Then she started counting down till the next summer.

The girl who had dreams.

Dreams the LORD had whispered in her heart.

But He didn’t forget.

A year ago I wrote my mission statement.

“I will radiate God’s love to the lost and broken of the world. Bringing hope to the hopeless, a friend to the friendless, a father to the fatherless, and loved to the unloved. I will reach out a hand to the lost and broken of the world, whom so many have forgotten.”

He wrote those words on my heart.

He placed those dreams in my soul.

No matter what happened.

No matter how many times I forgot.

He didn’t.

He didn’t forget me.

That email, Monday morning, was my reminder.

No matter what the wrecking ball tore away.

No matter what I feel.

He hasn’t forgotten.

He hasn’t forgotten that little girl.

He is granting some of her dreams, everyday.

Glen Lake Summer Staff 2010.

67 days.

…. And yes, I’m still getting there.

Back Posted -- The Fire 4-10-2010

2010-10-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

A month ago a fire danced before my eyes.
Tears ran down my face, and a stranger set to my left, beginning to pray.
Little did I know how much that one moment, would set the course for the next season of life.

Embrace your crucifixion.
We don’t get to pick what our surrendering looks like.
We don’t get to pick what God takes away.
We don’t get to chose when we are ready to be tested.
God is in control.

“Do you think it might be possible that God’s love for us is so intense, so pure that He would allow these terrible nails to come our way so that what is dark and bitter and resentful in us could be put to death?“ – Sheila Walsh.

We are sinful human beings.
But just as big as that, sinful things have been done to us.
A month ago I sat staring at a fire as one by one teenagers and adults threw pieces of paper into that fire. They were letting go a piece of themselves, for the next forty days, it was no longer to be a part of them. In the weeks following, we have discussed how those things, keep coming back. When we walked out of that room it was like the fire never happened, and the paper was back in our hand, with us where ever we went.
I am no different. In that fire that night I threw away the things that were making life hard, my past, my struggles, thoughts I didn’t want to think anymore. I wanted them to disappear.

God heard me that night.
He heard my quiet sobs, and heard the prayers of my heart.
He listened to the prayers surrounding me.
He heard.
And, He answered.
He strengthened me for the road ahead.
He turned that praying stranger into a lifeline.
He inspired me.
But even as that little slip of paper burned in the fire, He didn’t take it away.

I was presented with a choice.
What would I focus on?
Giants…. Or God?
What I had… or what I didn’t?

I knew my giant. He was my first thought in the morning, my last thought before bed.
I’d retreat. Hide.
Crawl into my whole of seclusion.
Alone I didn’t have to answer questions.
I didn’t have to have answers.
I could pretend nothing ever happened.
But at some point, the alone time would overwhelm me.
I would be forced into public.
And there was my Giant.
He was everywhere I went.
I knew him.
Everything about him.
His smell.
His taste.
His movements.
His voice.
And I tried to hide from him.
But he always found me.
Always.

I was challenged.
I knew my giant.
But did I know my God?

Isaiah 43:2
When you pass through the water, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you,
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.

Just because things have been hard, doesn’t mean that they He left.
I had to make a decision, that even through the waters, the rivers, the fire, to be God-focused.
As I ran from my giant, I’d ran from my crucifixion, and I’d ran from my God.
I walked away from that fire a month ago running.
I thought for sure if God had heard me, something would change.
And on the outside, it looked like nothing had.
So I ran.

But now.
I’m not running anymore.
I’m resting.
I’m learning.
I’m becoming focused on God.
Who is bigger than any giant.
Focusing on God.
On Him.
On His power.
On His track record with me.
Will not fail me.
Nor would it fail you.
Stop thinking of all the things He hasn’t done that you think He should.
Think of the things He HAS done.
Look at what is HAPPENING.
And realize a whole lot more is going on than meets your eye.

Even when I was running, He was working.
He never once left me.
Even through the time I left Him.

Now, it’s time I step back and embrace the crucifixion.
It is going to hurt.
Dying to yourself always does.
That piece of paper burning in the fire was a part of you.
It is going to hurt as it fades away.
But this crucifixion is an opportunity.
One to let God take a hold of the deepest parts of my heart.
To set me free.

The crucifixion must happen before the resurrection.

It’s baby steps.
Baby steps with Jesus.

Now, the fire burns in my heart.
Pieces of my past welting away while my eyes look to the only one who can defeat the giants withering away in the flames.
The stranger still prays.
She’s just more than a stranger now.

The Truth Will Set You Free

2010-02-03T17:00:00.000-06:00

I’ve thought about a lot of different options, a lot of different ideas, but they all come back to a lunch I had near the middle of my Honor Academy year. I had just come back from emergency medical leave, and a week of stuffing myself full of antibotics for pneumonia, and was getting ready to meet with someone I’d wanted to meet with all year. Tara Milburn. I’d listened to her speak, heard so many great things about her, and after having to post pone our meeting time and time again, we finally were having lunch. To say I was nervous was an understatement, but I was excited. We sat outside in the sun; it was a nice day. I don’t remember what the topic of conversation was, but I remember as we walked back to our offices she said something to me I will never forget. “Lyssa, you are who you are, don’t be ashamed of that, don’t pretend to be anyone else.” I ignored the comment at the time, and months later finally pondered it seriously for the first time. I was sitting in the car on my way home from Sterling College back in November.

I spent the next two months diving into my problems, my past, and the issues I was having with life. Day in and day out my focus was on recovery, and on getting myself prepared to come back to school. I let myself see the truth for what it really was. I let the hurts be real, the joys be real, and the love be real. It meant re-learning everything and I knew it.

I had been doing a pretty good job through out much of interterm and even the first few days of spring semester. I was just living life, focusing on the things I learned and taking care of them, holding on to the right things and forgetting the rest. I had really been pretty proud of myself for how well I was doing. I stopped taking my medications because they were making me sick, and making me feel weird all the time. For a while after that things went well.

Last week however I started to watch a few things fall apart. I sat late one night with a friend talking over what life was like while I was in the hospital and if it helped. I started looking back on things, seeing where I came from, where I’ve been and what all happened. The feeling I had at the beginning returned. The feeling of being a failure and not having any right to be here.

I pulled myself together for a few days, had an awesome Friday night and an even better Saturday. Kelli LaRosh was here and I drove on the ice and in the snow for the first time, got myself a new roommate, and laughed a lot. It was good times. I realized how much I missed her, and how much of a blessing she is not only in my life, but in the lives of my friends.

Sunday morning started early, and from there on out until last night; I fell back onto some bad habits. I forgot that I didn’t need to be ashamed of who I was, or where I came from. I forgot that the things I learned in Texas really applied and that I knew what to do in certain situations. I messed up. But thankfully, I’m learning and living in grace.

This afternoon I realized I had two choices, to just apologize for the mistakes I made, or to step out in truth. Over the last week I’d had the verse quoted to me about fifteen thousand times (or at least that is what is seemed like), “the truth will set you free.” And for the first time, I’m taking that and really running with it, not just for myself, but for the ones I love.

I sat down today and wrote out letters to some of the people I love the most, explaining to them the truth, about my life, in ways I never had before. Pressing send on those emails gave me more life than I had felt in years, took levels of fear off my chest that I didn’t even know I had, made me breathe a little deeper, and hold my head a little higher. It doesn’t change the fact that I messed up, and I allowed to last week or so to be off of beat of the progress I had been making. It doesn’t change the fact that things are different. It doesn’t change it. But the TRUTH sets you free.

Freedom.
Necessary.
Worth fighting for.
Worth living for.
Worth dying for.
Worth sacrificing for.
It was time for that.

Heidi sat me down right before I left Teen Mania and told me she had confidence in me because she knew I had lived the life I had, and even though I may fall back into a few times, that I wouldn’t be able to live there for long. Last semester it didn’t prove to be true, this time around, three days was enough. I realized that without the things I KNOW to do, the things that I learned to do, my life really doesn’t stay in place very well. When I put the things I know to be important on the back burner things fall a little of control.

In my intro to Special Needs class we had talked about what it looked like when students entered into Special Education and never came out, we talked about the fact that some people think it is because the program doesn’t work. While in truth, it is because their disabilities don’t go away. I think the same is true with depression. In some cases it goes away, but not always. And just because it seems like enough time has passed and it should have been handled. Just because someone is doing better, doesn’t mean the problem is gone and all routines and lessons can be discarded. I tried that. And ended up in a situation that the Lyssa of my past would have been in, one however, that lyssa wouldn’t have gotten out of, or responded to the way I have this time.

In the past, I would have ran from, or tried to cover up the truth, as something I was ashamed of, or like it was the plague. This time, I embraced it.

I’ve had to accept a lot of truth over the past few days.

I am not “healed.”
My depression isn’t gone just because I feel better, and just because I feel better doesn’t give me a right to stop doing the things I know I have to do.
I don’t have a perfect past. But it is what it is. No more. No less.
I have a lot to learn.
I can trust people I never thought I could
My To-Do lists and colored pens… the whole getting ready for bed routine. It isn’t just a joke, it really helps me.

I sit here now The Suite Life on Deck playing on my television. I think it is the first time I’ve really watched tv in days. It feels good. Really good. But it feels better because I know I took care of the things I needed to take care of.

It isn’t about working harder or trying hard, it is about choosing to live under the blessing of walking with Jesus. I could have worked harder, or tried more to “redo” my past, all of my mistakes, but instead today I decided, to lay them at Jesus’s feet, and let HIM take them from here.

Live in freedom.
Live in grace.
Walk in grace.
Broken.
Needy.
Under grace, not law.

Jesus died on the cross to give us our freedom, living as slaves to sin afterwards, is like returning walking straight back into jail after you have been set free.

I just wanted to write this note and encourage all of you, that the truth will be THE thing to set everyone free. Tara’s words to me over a year ago today remain true. You are who you are, don’t be ashamed. When everything is falling apart, remember to stand on the truth, of the word of GOD, and the truth you KNOW in your heart.

A) be still
B) wait on the LORD
C) pray… scripture…
If need be…
ACT but only after you do A, b, and C. :)

Truth.
Check.
Walk in the light.
Walk in truth.

Realizing The Real Lyssa Kaye and She's Okay

2010-01-29T17:25:00.000-06:00

Wednesday I found myself once again dusting the dirt off of a skinned knee after tripping over none other than the sidewalk. This time there was no remains of ice, or snow, or even a level change; I just tripped. A little blood seeped thru my black leggings and a small hole now replaces where the knee used to be. In a lot of ways, I feel like a baby learning how to walk for the first time, and it has to do with a lot more than the amount of time I have spent on the ground in the last month.
One thing I’m realizing is the importance of beginning content in the process. I received a message today from one of my therapists in Austin. It was simple. A copy and paste job of a letter I wrote myself the last day of group. It talked about a lot, and re-reading it today put me in back in perspective, which is something the further away I get from those days last fall, I tend to lose a lot of.
Like a baby learning to walk, this is a process. That first day when she pulls herself to her feet, and takes her first steps, her proud parents call everyone they know. By the time they hang up the phone, or get the video camera out the newly walking baby has already fallen down. The parents aren’t disappointed in the least, they are proud their baby began to walk, and know that when she is ready she’ll take those steps again.
I feel a lot like a baby learning to walk right about now. I’m learning so much, and some days and some moments it seems like I’ve got it mostly under control, cruising along just like that little baby when all the sudden something comes up and I find myself back on the ground (sometimes more literally than others). It can be a frustrating process. A very frustrating process. There are days, like I’m sure babies have where I just don’t have the energy to get up and keeping walking. Where their old ways of crawling around on their hands and knees seem like the way to go. They know they are capable of more, and once the rug burns get trying, or they want to reach something up higher, they climb back up on those feet, wobbly, yet sturdy, and begin to walk.
I am not where I want to be. I am not completely “cured” of depression. I am not walking in complete freedom. I do not have it all figured out. I am not in a place where I can save someone else. I do not have all the answers. I still have bad days. I have nights where I cry myself to sleep. I have days where my alarm clock goes off and I really do not want to get out of bed. People come to me for advice, and I do not always know what to say. I don’t sleep like I should. I do not necessarily eat like I should, either.
BUT. I am better off than I was three months ago. I’ve learned more. I’m enjoying things. I can handle my bad days, and don’t run from the tears (at least not all the time.) When my alarm clock goes off and I don’t want to get up, I still do (even if it is seven minutes before class starts.) I know what it feels like to be happy. To be joyful, and not just to say I am; to really feel it. It’s not all the time. It’s hard. But it’s there.
I am okay with where I am, and I want to paint a picture for you of what that looks like.
I hate depression. I HATE it. But not only do I hate the illness itself, I HATE the way some of the church (which in the world translates to the church) responds to it. The things people say, the things people do, when they find out you are suffering from depression make my stomach turn. Depression is an ILLNESS, it is something wrong in the brain, not something wrong with the person. The comments about “just trust God more,” “just memorize the right scripture,” “just deny evil.” Yes, all of those things need to happen. Everyone needs to trust God more. Everyone should write the word of the LORD on their heart. Everyone needs to flea from evil. But not doing those things is NOT the reason someone suffers from depression. Someone can do ALL of those things and still suffer. I am sick of watching people’s lives be destroyed because they are struggling with depression and are too ashamed to call it what it is because of the responses they have watched others get from the church. I am sick of it.
I did not enjoy my two months of intensive intervention. I did not like it one bit. I wanted to be back at school, with my friends, in Kansas. I wanted to be running cross country. And while I was going thru it I promised myself I would never advise a single person to go down the same path. I’ve been back at school for less than a month and KNOW that getting more help, is the only reason I’m able to be here now. It was a hard two months, and the journey isn’t over.
But every minute of it was worth it. I think that is the first time I’ve put it in that writing. The first time I’ve let myself admit it. I learned a lot. I am a lot different. I’m not perfect, and I still fall down. But I’m doing better, and I don’t know if I would have been without the help of the people who got me the help I needed, and the people who held my hand as I got that help.
Wednesday I stood in chapel, Derek on my right side, carolynn on my left. We joined hands and prayed. I realized in that moment once again how lucky I was. How lucky I am. Right now I’m no where near perfect, no where near that moment where I feel like I could comfortably say I’ve fought and overcome depression. But where I am, I can say that depression is no longer overcoming me.
I’m back at school, and it looks a lot different than I imagined it would. Some parts are easier, some parts are harder. I’m lacking strict discipline but enjoying middle of the night spontaneous adventures of fun. The people I thought would be my friends aren’t, and the people I was terrified of ever seeing again, they seem to be the ones who are the most supportive.
I’ve spent the last few days realizing the real Lyssa Kaye, realizing where she is right now, and learning to be okay with it.
She loves life. A lot. She loves her friends. She loves to laugh. She LOVES to run. (and misses competing.) She loves to go to class. She can not wait to be a teacher. She is motivated. She is strong. She has come a long ways. She is learning. She has people there for her. She loves to bless people. She loves to smile.
Sometimes she forgets. She forgets she loves life. She tries to protect her heart and not let herself love. She forgets that laughter isn’t always fake. She let’s her bodies temporary pain overrule her love for running. She is lazy and doesn’t want to get out of bed. Sometimes she doubts her future, loses her motivation, and feels like a failure. Some days she feels like she is back at ground zero, and she is fighting this battle all on her own. Sometimes she can’t seem to find it within herself to bless others, and loses her smile.
But the thing is. It is where she is at right now. She knows truth, she forgets it sometimes, stumbles when she does, makes mistakes, but is able to overcome them with truth. She is learning to be gentle with herself, learning that the way to get herself to overcome mistakes and potholes isn’t to beat them out of herself. But instead to be gentle enough, and firm enough to allow herself to grow.
Like a baby learning to walk, I’ve got to take the process slow, rushing things will end up with more scrapped knees, and more ripped jeans. I’m okay with where I am, and content with working to move forward.

How To Have Fun

2010-01-25T13:09:00.000-06:00

I remember sitting on the floor in Tina’s office last October.
Topic of conversation, “what does Lyssa like to do for fun?”
I was stumped.
I called my mom.
I called my dad.
No one could tell me what I liked to do.
A friend suggested I painted leaves.
That idea didn’t turn out too well.
Ask Carolynn.
Or the blue plate that is forever stained with black paint.
I’m pretty sure I am lacking some artistic skills.
Tina and Mel suggested crocheting.
Having to be honest, I never tried it.
I declared it something I would do when I was old.

Over the course of the last month I’ve learned a lot.
Mitosis.
Meiosis.
Global Warming.
Greenhouse effect.
I’ve done things that I never thought I’d do.
Pull DNA out of an onion.
Grow ecoli.
Dissect cow poops.

But looking back on the first few weeks of 2010 I won’t remember those things.
The biology madness I crammed into my head six hours a day for three weeks is already beginning to vanish from my mind.
I got the grade.
Met the gen ed requirement.
And now I plan to forget the majority of it.
But the other lessons I’ve learned in the last month.
Those I will hold onto.

I learned a lot.
To have fun.
To love life.
To laugh.
To be spontaneous.
To drive, okay, at least partially.
I did a lot of things I’d never done.
Made my first snow angel.
Drove a car.
Played sacategories until early in the morning.
Watched two complete seasons of an old favorite tv show.
Sang at the top of my lungs.
Drove in circles around the round a bout.
Randomly went to Newton to get daylight donuts at midnight.

I loved incredibly deeply.
I laughed insanely hard.

Pretty much.
I spent a month remembering things I loved to do.
Remembering how to have fun.
And honestly at times it felt wrong, very wrong.

But then someone would mention that all known clue game.
Or a Tsuanmi in or bio lab.
The laughs would come back and the doubts would disappear.

2010.
Has taught me how to have fun.
It’s going to be a good year.

Simply Surrender

2010-01-18T12:42:00.000-06:00

Simply Surrender.
Tonight I was confronted about how long it had been since I’d posted anything.
I have been having a lot of thoughts, they just haven’t came together like I wanted.
Tonight, they all meshed together, and I will finally attempt to put them in words for you to read.

I have been blessed.
Once again.
At so many different times in my life the LORD has brought people to me to teach me what I need to learn.
This season, it’s been about learning Simplicity.
The beauty in simplicity.
The trust.
The accepting unanswered questions.
It is beautiful.
The examples are beautiful.
Mel.
Alyssa.
Carolynn.
Ashley.
Kelli Kay.
Derek.
Jaclyn.
Krystal.
Their simplicity amazes me.
Their trust inspires me.
Their lives, aren’t necessarily what I thought an “on fire” Christian would look like.
At the beginning, I judged every one of them for not being radical enough.
I thought of myself as better than them.
Now I realize they are at a level of Christianity I can only hope for.
They are in God’s arms –
Running to HIM.
With HIM.

There is something so special about those who understand the simple faith.
Who trust.
Who accept those unanswered questions.
They inspire me.
They inspired this note.
They are inspiring my heart.

A month ago I got an email.
“what I am getting at sweetie, we all have a past.”
At the time, it was just words.
Now, it is opening up worlds of new experiences.
This concept too is about simple surrender.
Ashley is right, we all have a past.
But with that past comes options.
Do we live in the past, continuing the same patterns.
Do we mourn the past, living in the sorrow of mistakes and unkept promises.
Do we try to outlive the past, proving ourselves, proving that we are no longer that person.
Or do we simple surrender or past?
Giving it over to God.
Letting HIM heal you.
Letting HIM heal others.
Letting HIM use your past as HE wants to.
Surrendering your past.
Sounds easy, but it is really the hardest thing you’ll ever do.
It means letting go.
Not being ashamed, of who you were, where you’ve been, what you’ve done.
Being thankful that the LORD will use it.

The simplicity I see in the ones I am blessed to be living life with.
The look I see in their eyes.
Is one of love, not one of fear.
They are running WITH God, CLOSER to God; not merely running from hell.
They are serving God because they love Him.
Because it is part of who they are.
Not because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t.

I have so much to learn.
Constantly have so much to learn.
My mindset has always been on the side of fear.
Scared of what will happen if I mess up.
Scared that in one second I could lose everything.
Fear.
Controlled me.

Simplicity.
Simply Surrender.

I remember sitting in Sunday School years ago.
Kelly, the youth pastor at the time, asked a question.
Would you like to be in charge of the sun rising and setting?
I was the only one in the class who said yes.
She asked me then why I didn’t want God to be in charge.
I didn’t trust Him.
I was scared one day it wouldn’t come up.
And if I was in charge of it, when it didn’t rise one day.
(because I completely understood that I was human and would fail)
It would be MY fault.
I could be upset with myself and no one else.

I was living my life out of the pure fear of hell.
Instead of out of love.
In my recent crash course of re-learning Christianity I have been forced to look at that word.
Love.
In the past, love has scared me, has brought out a deep fear.
This time, I decided to start over.
Look at the word, and the evidence and enjoy it.
Love is easy.
It is going through a hard life together.
Life makes love hard.
Love doesn’t make life hard.
I sat back and really looked for the people, the places, the memories were love has abounded through my life.
I’m still learning, but I’m understanding.
Love isn’t about being a police officer.
Yes, love is about what you need, not what you want.
But that doesn’t need to be intimidating.
It doesn’t mean those who love you throw away what you want.
They love you were you are at, while pushing you towards someone you could never have been otherwise.
But the catch is, even when you fail, they still love you.
Somehow, after all these years I’d missed out on that.
I’d had people say they loved me, but not spurred me towards growth.
I’d had people say they loved me and hurt me.
I’d had people say they loved me, push me to be a better person, but somehow make me feel guilty for any grace received.

Love is simple.
It is everything.
Without knowing it, you do not know God.
I didn’t know Him.
I didn’t trust Him.
I wanted to be in control.

Last spring I sat on the back porch of Carey dormitories with Meghan Fife.
She urged me to get out of the row boat and into the sail boat.
I was trying too hard.
Working too much.
Trying to win this battle called life on my own.
I needed to surrender.
Trust.
Get in the sail boat and let the LORD guide me.

Sitting here.
On January 18, 2010 I realize that my fear.
My fear of love.
My fear of failure.
My fear of anger.
Kept me from knowing the LORD as He is.
Kept me from the simple, childlike faith that is so desirable.

I want to encourage you.
Stop.
Look at your life.
Are you running TO God or AWAY from hell?
Are you rowing desperately, or sailing simply?

Simply Surrender.
Let HIM be in control of your heart, and your life will show HIS face.
Letting go of your past, letting go of your fears.
Simply Surrender.

I was once told that walking with Jesus is simple.
When He speaks, we listen, we obey.
When things start getting complicated, Satan is getting involved.

Restore Hope. Love To Live. Learn To Heal.

2010-01-01T22:08:00.001-06:00

2010.
A new year.
A new decade.
A new chance.

I’m not going to make resolutions. I always forget them after a few weeks anyway.
This year I just want to live.
Love. Live. Learn. Hope. Heal. Restore.
Restore Hope.
Love to Live.
Learn to Heal.
I rang in the new year, well, asleep.
But if you count Kansas time, which is the time I live on… I rang it in playing Disney scene it with two of my favorite people.
There was hurt in my heart.
But it was not controlling me.
I still found it in me to be able to smile, laugh, and enjoy myself.
And enjoy others.
I have a feeling that this year will look a lot like that.
There is still healing to be done.
There is still hope to be restored.
There is still a life to be lived.

I’m excited about this year.
Last year, I rang in the new year, sitting on the floor of a dorm room at the Honor Academy talking about Jesus.
I do not regret that one bit.
But I felt like last year had high expectations.
I thought I was on the journey to becoming the “perfect” Christian.
The “perfect” disciple.
The “perfect” alumni.
It turned into a year of falling flat on my face and realizing how much of a failure I was on my own.
2009 was a year of failed expectations.
2010 is a year with no expectations.
I just want to live.
And whatever that looks like I’m okay with it.

2009.
I had it all planned out.
I was staying a second year at the Honor Academy.
I was going to do ESOAL.
I was going to come into some interns life and “save” her like Heidi “saved” me.
I was going to change that August class.
I ended up at Sterling.
I ran college cross country.
Someone had to once again, step into my life, and change things for me.
This time it wasn’t so much about calling sin out in my life.
There was sin there.
But I, as a person, was focused on.
Not the sin.
I needed help, and once that help came, the sin got further and further from who I was.
I had to admit that I was in no way capable of saving anyone else.

This year I don’t have plans.
Sure, I’d like to spend the spring, and fall semester at Sterling.
I’d love to run track and cross country.
Room with Charity in the spring.
Carolynn in the fall.
Spend my summer somewhere in either Kansas or Colorado.
But I’m trying to let the details, and my year not be my own.
I tried to plan it out for 2009.
Tried to make it my own.
At times I tried to give God pieces of it.
But I still set expectations that were not His.

A quote I’ve heard often in the last two months
“If you always do, what you’ve always done, you’ll always get, what you’ve always got.”

Last year ended up being a rough year.
An unnecessarily rough year.
Not that I didn’t learn things.
Not that God isn’t going to use it.
But I made things harder for myself then I needed to.

It was “my” year.
This year, is all about surrender.
I am not in control.
Not of a single part of my life.
I am not in control of the fact that I am going to take my next breathe.
Or even finish this blog.
I am not in control of what the next three weeks will look like.
Where I will spend my fall, or even my spring semester.
I am NOT in control.
So why try to fight for it.

My favorite song used to be “Jesus Take The Wheel”
I would give him control of the wheel, in certain places, certain roads, and then when we ventures into “my” zone… and area I wanted to control, roads I wanted to be in charge of… I would kick Him out of the drivers seat, and somehow try to maneuver through the craziness that would ensue.
I no longer want to drive.
I want to live.
Live the life HE has destined me for.

Last night I felt like a child from a broken family.
I don’t feel like that much.
I feel like my family is somewhat normal.
In the last two weeks I’ve spent time with four families that proved that wrong.
I sat in Heidi’s car last night, crying, I wanted a “normal” family.
Well, not even normal.
Just to feel like I had a family.
Not just a mom.
And a dad.
And a sister.
A family.
Together.
I was upset. Really upset.
I sat in the car, head in Heidi’s lap and cried; just like old times.
Only it wasn’t.
Although my heart seemed to break, and I struggled to spend time with Carolynn’s family the rest of the night.
It didn’t take me long to realize.
That I wasn’t in control.
I couldn’t have stopped my parents’ divorce.
I couldn’t make my extended family live closer, and be more involved in life.
I can’t change what happened.
I am not in control, and I cannot try to be in control of my parents relationship.
And even really my relationship with them.
I can do everything right, and the relationships still not be perfect.

Overall, I am not in control, of anything.
Setting these “huge” goals.
These “high” expectations.
Even to some extent making new year’s resolutions.
Is doing you no good.
The LORD is in control.
He will determine what happens in your life.
Not what you think “should” happen, or what you “strive” for.
“We are called to live in a way that honors God. Somewhere along the road, however, I had crossed the line between pointing to the One who is the answer, and feeling an overwhelming burden to show what that can look like here on earth.” – Shelia Walsh Honestly

This year my goal is to live.
To trust.
To love.
To be joyful.
Simple.
But somehow there aren’t expectations behind it like there have been in the past.
I don’t want to sit here and say “I’m going to have an hour long quiet time everyday, I’m going to serve in this way, I’m going to concentrate on this area.”
I want my life to be completely God’s will.
I want Him to take the bricks and cement I’ve been looking at for the past four months and build the house I could never build on my own.
And I want to enjoy it.
I don’t want to stress about how everything will work out.
It will work out how it is supposed to because HE is in control.
I want to serve HIM because I LOVE HIM, not because I said I would.
His love, will inspire my love.

I started this year on the road trip of my life.
All college kids dream of road tripping right?
I left Austin, and went to midland with my mom.
Merely days later Derek came down and spent a few days there.
Then we went to a tiny town called Eads Colorado.
Really twenty miles of dirt roads out side of Eads.
We left yesterday morning for Denver.
I saw Heidi.
I laughed with Carolynn.
Tomorrow morning Carolynn and I will leave for Kelli Kay’s.
For Kansas.
I started this year on the road trip of my life.
Care free.
Winds down and the wind in my hair. (ok, not really, it is way too cold, geez there is SNOW on the ground.)

Today I started the new year by making my first ever snow angel.

I got my ears pierced.
Played the Wii.
Laughed a lot.
Threw some snow balls.
And just enjoyed my friends.

Carefree.
Trusting.
Surrendering.
Loving.
Living.
This life is HIS.
I was put here to LIVE the LIFE HE has called me to live.
Not the life I dream up.
Not the life I want to live.
But HIS life.
I have no expectations for this year.
It is HIS.
I am HIS.
And it is so much less stressful that way.

Welcome to a new decade.
And a less stressed Lyssa Kaye
Full of love.
Full of live.
Restoring Hope.
Learning to Heal.
Loving to live.

The King.
The Kingdom.
Always.

Watch It Burn Away....

2009-12-28T16:58:00.001-06:00

Last Saturday I found myself overwhelmed with regret.
I felt as though I was staring at a piece of a paper, a long piece of paper with every one of my sins written on it.
It was humbling.
It was convicting.
There were moments it was condemning.
I laid in bed and felt like the scum of the earth.
I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with how much of a sinner I was.
It was a feeling I just couldn’t seem to shake.
All day I went around, sinner written across my heart.
I didn’t fight the title.
Because I knew it was true.
I was staring at a list five miles long of all my sins.
I knew I deserved to die.

Sunday I found myself at Austin Stone.
I wish I could remember the song we were singing.
But I don’t.
I was still in this place of “oh I’m such a sinner…”
I was still being humbled.
I was still looking at that sheet of paper.
All my sins in black and white.
I closed my eyes and saw that piece of paper.
The one that had been staring me in the face for the last twenty four hours.
Thrown straight into a fire.
A single tear rolled down my check as I watched it burn away to nothing.
The paper no longer existed.
Grace.

I’ve spent the last two weeks in a crash course re-learning Christianity.
Which is good.

My first one on one therapy appointment in Austin my therapist asked me if I was a Christian.
And honestly, I told her no.
At the time.
I wasn’t.
I wasn’t in any relationship with the Lord.
I’d ran.. far away.
And a lot of it had to do with the way Christians reacted to my situation.
The way the church judged and persecuted me.
No, there was no stoning, and I was not lit on fire.
But my heart was hurt.
I was told my situation was because I wasn’t a good enough Christian.
There must be sin in my life.
I wasn’t reading the bible enough.
I needed to memorize more scripture.
And every time I heard one of those things I pushed any relationship I had with the Lord further and further away.
I had been trying so hard to hold everything together.
To serve God.
To love others.
I had been giving it my all, and if my all wasn’t enough I was done trying.

This time.
Re-learning Christianity wasn’t because it was the “cool” thing to do.
It had nothing to do with it being in style or me wanting to fit in with anyone.
I don’t even feel like I made a conscience decision to re-learn.
It just happened.
And it was a necessity
I had a blessing in my life.
Many blessings.
Someone who understood childlike faith.
Who lives it out every day.
She showed me what true love was.
“true love, the love that speaks the truth and yet refuses to abandon others, gives people an opportunity to change. It even motivates them to change.”
At many points of my life I’ve had different people show me this kind of love.
Each special and unique.
Each vital to my experience of life.
In this season. In this stage of life.
This time they showed me a side of Christianity I’d never seen before.
The side I think many forget about.
The simple side.
The childlike side.
The side that doesn’t get caught up in religion.

I had got so caught up in doing the right thing.
Living up the standard.
Being a “perfect” Christian.
If something wasn’t in the description for my position as an intern or an alumni.
I didn’t let myself feel it.
Until I couldn’t help it anymore and I fell apart.
And then, because I felt like I’d let the world down.
Because I was told it was my fault, that I was caught up in too much sin.
I ran.
But the Lord didn’t let me get to far.

I think back to nights in Kelli’s room my last two weeks on campus.
If I felt in the least bit ashamed I would pull away from her.
I didn’t want to look at her.
I wanted to hide my face.
Every time she grabbed me and didn’t let go.
The Lord did the same thing.
He didn’t let go.
He didn’t let me run too far.
He let me come back, and loved me deeply.

The last two months were radical.
I learned that true surrender is leaving everything behind.
Letting everything go.
Holding on to NOTHING.
That was what I was forced to do the last two months.
I left the school I loved.
The friends I loved.
And came home, attended group sessions, a 2nd grade classroom, and the gym.
My life was vitally different.
I missed out on the conference cross country meet.
It was a new road, a hard road.
God was beckoning me to trust Him at every turn.
And it was worth it.

My relationship with Christ isn’t complicated anymore.
There isn’t anything I’m holding on to getting in the way.
It is me and Him.
Lavishing in love.
He speaks.
I listen.
I cry.
He catches my tears.
It is just who I am.
When it is who you are.
When you are confident in who you are.
You don’t have to let your words prove the strength of your relationship with Christ.
It just shines through who you are.

I am thankful for the people who taught me that.
Kelli.
Carolynn.
Ashley.
Their lives so closely resemble Christ’s.
And they boast in nothing but Him.

I think back to my intern year.
I think back to the roommate that i connected with the most.
Alyssa.
We bonded over mac and cheese and "spirit land"
Chocolate trips and our secret spot.
When she decided to leave a lot of people judged her.
I cried.
I was hurt deeply.
But looking back i think she got it.
She understood the childlike simplicity.
And I wish I would have caught onto her example.
Thank you, Alyssa, for living it out from day one.
You are an example to many

In my crash course of re-learning Christianity I’ve learned.
Grace.
Love.
Peace.
Hope.
Simplicity.
It really doesn’t have to be so complicated.

Four words hung on the outside of Shoal Creek, where I attended group four times a week.
Restore.
Heal.
Hope.
Courage.
I remember reading them the first few days thinking, whatever.
Now, they are the words that define the last two months of my life…

A new relationship with the LORD was born in the last two weeks.
A simple one.
Not complicated.
Not questionable.
Childlike.
I trust Him.
And when you trust Him, there are no other questions.
Somehow in this childlike faith, this simple faith.
I want to KNOW God more.
I want to understand HIS love more.
But not because it looks good.
Because I really LONG to know Him.
Because I want HIM to have MY LIFE.
Not just the part others see.
I want HIM to have ALL OF ME.
I’m not worried about messing up.
I’m not scared He is going to disown me.
I watched that paper burn in the fire, and the expectations, the fear, the condemnation burned away with it.

Pain and Joy

2009-12-19T08:44:00.001-06:00

My heart beats to a different rhythm these days. Slower. Deeper. More free.
Peace.
Peace that surpasses even my own understanding.
Joy.
Joy unspeakable that won’t go away. (and just enough strength to live for today…)
Pain.
The reminder that you are human. That you live in a fallen world.
“my yoke is easy, my burden is light.”
There IS still a burden.
The pain doesn’t disappear when you trust God just “enough.”

For years I thought I was either joyful, and peaceful.
Or in pain.
I never even thought that the three could co-exist together in one heart.
Somewhere I’d missed that Sunday School lesson.
Or maybe it just never was taught.

This season of my life.
The intense, hard core intervention that seemed so out of my control.
It is almost over.
It is ending.
Soon it too will be finished.

My heart has been stripped bare.
The past no longer lingers.
The future no longer matters.
The desperation filtered.
But in the bareness, the emptiness there is pain.
There is also joy and peace.
Co-existing.
Thriving on each other.

Joy that I am able to feel the pain.
Peace that I know it’s okay.
Joy that comes with knowing it is not a sin to be in pain.
Peace that comes with realizing it is what life is supposed to look like this sometimes.
So many times in the bible we are told to find joy when we are put it hard situations.
For me, and I believe for many others we took that the wrong way.

Hide it.
Ignore it.
Don’t feel it.
Stuff it down deep into yourself.
Muster up your own joy, and hid your pain.
Run from it.
Plaster on a joyful face and go.

As I “graduated”: from group on Monday.
I was left with some parting words from a man who vitally changed my perspective on life.
“Lyssa, yes you smile when your uncomfortable, but when you really smile, it is easy to spot.”
I believe that to be true in all of us.
When we try to force ourselves to be joyful, it just isn’t the same.

What I am learning those verses mean is finding joy in the MIDST of your pain.
“my yoke is easy, my burden is light.”
There is a struggle.
We are supposed to feel it.
We are supposed to feel.
The negative.
The positive.
The in between.
We need to feel pain.
And we all will at some point or another.
So in the pain.
In the achyness of your heart.
How is that supposed to co-exsist with joy?

I asked that question for years.
And never got an answer.
So I never let myself feel the two together.
I was either joyful and peaceful.
Or I was in pain.

Yesterday I realized that it was one of those things I had to learn for myself.
I was reminded again that someone can tell you something five thousand times, but until you really want to understand it, you won’t.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose
My core verse.
Every day for twelve months that was taught to me.
But yesterday I discovered yet another peace to the puzzle that is Tessera.

We can find joy and peace in the midst of our pain because we are not in control.
Yes, Lyssa just said we could find peace and joy by NOT being in control.
God works EVERYTHING for the good of those who love Him.
Not just the good, not just the ok, and not just the bad.
EVERYTHING.
That is where the peace comes in.
That is where the joy comes in.
Trust Him, and your other questions just fall in line.

It is possible.
For pain, joy, and peace to co-exists.
Because the Lord of Lords, and the King of Kings is in control.

A little light of hope

2009-11-24T17:49:00.000-06:00

Sunday morning I sat in a sanctuary full of memories.
Friday night I sat in an arena that held my childhood.
I was taken back, and reminded of my life before the struggles. A life when I was carefree and joyful. A life when I didn’t think so much. A life when my family was happy, and the road ahead didn’t look so bleek. It took me back, and made me remember. Made me remember that there was a time of my life that didn’t involve crying myself to sleep, many times in fact, and gave me confidence that those days are coming in the future as well. I was reminded that I do have a life to go back to, a life that I loved; a life that I can work to get back. It was a piece of hope. A reminder that there is another side to this battle, that eventually life will go back. This is just another piece of the puzzle, another Tessera in the mosaic.
As I sat in church this morning I was reminded of another fact.
I have a God.
I have a God who I have left out of the picture for the last two weeks.
I have forgotten to include Him in this process.
I’ve tried to do it all on my own.
I haven’t denied He was real. I haven’t stopped reading His word. I haven’t stopped praising Him.
However, I had forgotten a very important factor.
Potentially the most important factor.
He loves me.
He sees me the same no matter what.
Walking in truth and freedom, brings a smile to His face.
He longs to wipe my tears, and hold my heart.
Somewhere I’d forgotten that. Somewhere I’d let go of that. I’d gotten caught up in making things right, with people, with myself, with life. I forgot the one who really loves me no matter what, not that He existed but I forgot about His love. I forgot how much He longed to have relationship with me. He isn’t just a distance father, He stands right next to me.
Things haven’t been easy, but I’m learning. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of people I care about, a lot of people I love; kept my circle a little closer. I’m not sure if I’ll ever return to the “social butterfly” I once was, but I know that this isn’t forever. I will be the girl that loved life and danced around again. I have however, accepted the fact that it won’t look the same. I won’t do all my things the same way, because my purpose in life will change.
Oh, my mission statement hasn’t changed, nor will it, but the heart behind it and the reason will change.
“I will radiate God’s love to the lost and broken of the world, bringing hope to the hopeless, a friend to the friendless, love to the unloved, and a Father to the fatherless. I will reach out a hand to the lost and broken of the world whom so many have forgotten.”
My heart still resonates in those words…
But I’ve realized that it can’t be about proving myself to people, trying to earn their respect, or trying to get them to like me.
It can’t be about trying to earn my way into the kingdom.
The love of GOD, the love of LIFE, the love of GOD IN ME, has to be what propels me.
Nothing else will make it possible.

He is holding my heart.
He is protecting it.
He has always wanted to… I just had to give it to Him…

My two revelations.
That there is a part of me that loves this, there is a purpose to my life, there is a girl underneath who has joys and enjoys things... I can get her back... I just have to work through some stuff first.
And that God WANTS, is DESPERATE to be there for me.
Put a little at the end of the tunnel for me, the journey doesn't seem so dark, scary, and lonely...

I’m learning a lot. Struggling some. And slowly beginning to recognize myself when I look in the mirror.
Thank you for your prayers.

Monday Muse Vol. 2 Belated

2009-09-23T09:51:00.001-05:00

So it’s been a long few days and Monday I did not get around to typing this up… I did however think on it deeply.

Sunday night I heard a song I’ve heard a thousand times, and was reminded of a lesson I feel like I’ve learned over and over again since May.

“The LORD gives and takes away,
Blessed Be HIS Name.”

Job 1:21 b
The LORD gave and the LORD took away,
May the name of the LORD be praised.

I got a picture of an open hand in my mind. Reminding me that I do NOT want anything that that the LORD does not want. My hand must remain open, truly allowing HIM to give AND to take away.
HE Knows my needs, and HE promises to provide.
I must trust HIM with the things He gives me, that HE would know the season they are important. I CAN NOT hold onto anything He does not want me to have any longer…

Monday's Muse Vol. 1

2009-09-14T20:11:00.000-05:00

So I find myself tonight, sitting at a little desk in the library, plenty to do, but nothing incredibly pressing. It is a nice feeling. For a reading response in my world lit class I went back two years in Mallory’s blog to find a quote she used, and in the process was reunited with her Monday’s Muse blogs. I was inspired to start my own, inspired to commit to something else on my to-do list, because honestly, I think it would be cool to look back and see what was inspiring me on Monday’s.
That’s what this will be, Monday’s I will sit down and type out a short blog, explaining to you my lastest sense of inspiration, and where it has come from.
Today’s inspiration came last night at Chapel, as we were rediscovering who God REALLY IS, not who we have created Him to be. I caught a glimpse of the Sterling College Stadium and was reminded that my God is a God of the impossible.
By the world’s standards.
I’m not supposed to be here.
I’m not supposed to be able to run cross country.
I am not supposed to be able to experience love.
I probably should not even be alive.

But our God is NOT a GOD of this world.
Our God is a GOD of the impossible.
And because of that…
I am a student athlete at Sterling College.
I am loving deeply, and allowing myself (most of the time) to be loved.
I am experiencing the abundant live Jesus promised to give us.

MY story, is NOT really MY story at all.
It is HIS.
It was created just how it is, to bring HIM glory.
Not a single tear wasted, not a single circumstance forgotten.
My God turns the impossible, into the reality.
This is what is inspiring me right now.

Nothing is Ever Really Impossible

2009-09-12T00:31:00.000-05:00

Just under three years ago I lay in a hospital bed in Austin, Texas and was told by my team of neurologists that I would never play competitive basketball again; my dreams of becoming a college athlete lay shattered in pieces at the foot of that hospital bed.

Just over two years ago I was diagnosed with a condition in my left leg that left cross country as “nearly impossible” once again crushing any dreams I had at living the “college athlete” life I had planned on since I could walk.

Yet today, against all odds I finished a college cross country race.

My time was horrible. I am not going to sit here and make it sound like I ran amazing or anything.

But as I stood at the starting line today, and realized that for the first time in three years I was wearing a school uniform, and was about to compete athletically; I realized that for the first time in four years I would hear the gun go off and stride out to start a cross country race, and for the first time ever my parents wouldn’t be there when I finished. Merely minutes before my race started the tears began to fall, the butterflies in my stomach had nothing to do with the race that was just seconds from being underway, but from the SC written across my chest, the fact that finally, today, I was given a chance to prove everyone wrong.

About half way through my run today, I started hearing the voices of my doctors in my head, telling me that I would never, that I could never, that I’d never be healthy enough to… and I started to think they might be right, I started to think I had no business running for Sterling College, my legs got tired, and my breathing became unsteady, the run stopped being fun. I thought about laying in that hospital bed, week after week, the steroid shots, the IVs, the pain medication, the spinal taps, the tests and it just seemed to make sense, that I was absolutely crazy for even trying to run this year.

I came around one of the last corners, saw the hill in front of me and coach yelling, “this is your challenge, conquer this,” and somehow something clicked, and I was mad. How could anyone ever doubt that I would be a college athlete? Not because I am some super natural athlete, trust me, I’m not, but because MY GOD is bigger than MY circumstance. HE is who I run for. HE is who gives me strength, and somehow it all made sense.

So here I am, the girl who watched her college athletic career slip away, over and over again, who fought, and allowed the LORD to fight for her, and finished her first (and certainly not her last) college cross country meet.

It won’t always be easy, I have to relearn how to run in races, and my parents won’t be around to cheer me on at all my meets. My competitive edge is no where near as strong as it used to be, and my body is not in as good of shape, but the fact that ANYONE doubted my GODs power, and the fact that I would fight to do the things I love, makes me mad, mad enough to work harder than I ever have before. It’s only going to get better from here.

Be encouraged my friends, and don’t let ANYONE tell you who you are, or who you can never be, because really that is between you and the LORD.

I want to be living proof of that every day, as I leave it all on the course week after week, sure it’s not the court, it’s not the game I grew up playing, fell in love with, and eventually was forced to retire from, but it’s where the LORD has put me for this season, and HIS servant will bear HIS fruit.

My Vision. My Passion. My Heartbeat

2009-09-02T14:33:00.001-05:00

The beginning of this new year, this new tessera, was such a struggle for me… I was lacking the vision and the direction that I was so desperately searching for. I had asked questions at the Honor Academy before I left, pretty much begging someone to give me some sort of “vision” or guidelines for what life was going to look like on the other side of the Garden Valley gates… I got so frustrated because I didn’t get any real answers. But after having been on the “other side” for three weeks, I realize I didn’t get any solid answers because it looks so different for everyone.
I was so frustrated with not having a vision for this year, no one sat me down and was like “this is the core vision, this is what I want you to learn,” no one gave me core values, or told me that this one scripture was what my year was going to grow on, no one sat me down and gave me an aura of the statesman talk, explaining the expectations of me for the year. I knew I needed some kind of vision, so I kept asking people, I asked my RD about her expectations, I asked my new friends about what they wanted the year to look like, but all I got was vague responses, no depth, no specifics. It hit me in that instant that the LORD was the one who needed to give me vision for this year, HE was guiding me, HE got me here, it was time to listen to HIS voice.
So I found myself on my knees – begging the LORD to give me something. During a quiet time He reminded me that He already had. My Honor Academy diploma hangs in my room, my very own mission statement printed right there, for me to read every day. How had I forgotten that? I will radiate God’s love to the lost and the broken of this world, bringing hope to the hopeless, a friend to the friendless, a father to the fatherless, and love to the unloved. Reaching out a hand to the abused and neglected whom so many have forgotten.

This is my passion.
This is my heartbeat.
This is what makes me alive.
Why did I think my time at sterling was going to about anything but this?
He had already given me a vision, it was MY choice whether or not I followed through.

The LORD’s hand was obvious on my heart in the passing moments as I sat and read my mission statement over and over again. He gently reminded me that HE wanted to give me the desires of my heart, even if they don’t come in the packages I expected them to. I want to be a prayer warrior, I want to go to war for my peers, fighting for them in the spiritual realm, and HE wants me to do that. He didn’t bring me to Sterling to steal that opportunity away from me. He brought me here, to experience and live out the vision HE laid on my heart in east texas last fall.
When I got here, and was so desperately searching for vision I had forgotten that. GOD is still the same where ever I am. The things HE whispered in my ear, and the ears of so many in that auditorium night after night are just as true today as they were when we heard them for the first time.
So here I am, a student athlete at Sterling College, with a vision laid on my heart, a vision that when you think about it can be directly applied to life in a college, even a missions college. There are people without hope, there are people without friends, there are people without a love, there are people who don’t understand the FATHER.
This is my mission field.
This is where the LORD has placed me for this Tessera of my life.
This is where my prayers and energy are focused.
Fulfilling God’s purpose for me being here is my NUMBER ONE priority.
And I am constantly reminded that in order to that I have to be ALL about Him, and not about me… It’s a beautiful thing.
I’m not living this life for my glory – this world needs the LORD’s love, and I was created to radiate it to this world.
In order to radiate this LOVE however I must constantly be reminded of HIS love. I must constantly be wrapped in HIS love, because how on earth can I radiate something that I am not living in myself?
Love.
Such a broad topic.
Such a spoken of topic.
Some are sick of hearing it.
So I’m going to live it.

The song that I have claimed as “my song” for this Tessera of my life is below… “The Lost Get Found” Britt Nicole.

Hello my friend
I remember when you were
So alive with your wide eyes
Then the light that you had in your heart was stolen
Now you say that it ain't worth stayin'
You wanna run but you're hesitatin'
I'm talkin' to me

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There's a girl on the streets, she's cryin'
There's a man whose faith is dyin'
Love is calling you

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

Why do we go with the flow
Or take an easier road?
Why are we playin' it safe?
Love came to show us the way
Love is a chance we should take
I'm movin' out of the way

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
(Stand out)
Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
(Stand out)
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it

And beyond that song… The Lord has laid a few verses on my heart for this time… verses I plan to live out, to act out, and to live in.

Colossians 3:12-13
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
Luke 8:39
Return home and tell how much God has done for you." So the man went away and told all over town how much Jesus had done for him.

I guess the point of all of this is… The LORD has given us each a vision. And no matter where we are, we are called to live out that vision. HIS word to us does NOT change just because of our location. I am called to radiate God’s love to the lost and broken just as much HERE as I was in Brooklyn, or I would have been had I stayed at the Honor Academy, or ventured to Africa…
This is my calling.
This is my heartbeat.
This is my passion.

There Is No Other Place I'd Rather Be

2009-08-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

Ah.
Here I sit in my dorm room in Sterling Kansas, the Honor Academy hymn playing through the headphones that have been my refuge the last few days.
My heart is humbled once again by the will of the LORD.
By HIS grace and HIS mercy.
My life is His, I don’t know why I keep trying to take it back when things get a little scary.

To be honest my walk with the LORD hasn’t been great since I’ve arrived in Kansas. I have been scared to spend time with Him because I didn’t want to be reminded of all the reasons I felt called to this little hick town in Kansas. I wanted to be able to talk myself out of this, talk myself out of living in this dorm, running with this cross country team, and becoming a student at this university. I wanted to run because I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t know what my role was, I didn’t know where I was supposed to fit in, and I didn’t know why I was here.
All I knew was the LORD had closed the other doors, opened this one, and Satan kept tempting me with things that from the outside “looked” better. My heart still longs for Garden Valley, and Brooklyn, it beats for those things, and there is a season for them. Garden Valley has come and gone, and Brooklyn is yet to come.
I was anti-social, and begged my mom to let me just go back to Texas with her, but she didn’t and now merely hours later I’m glad. A good friend reminded me last night that just because something was hard doesn’t mean it’s bad. She gently challenged me to embrace today, embrace where I am, and embrace the people I’m surrounded with, the LORD has a purpose for it.

I sat in the lobby of my dorm on Monday night, dried tears on my cheeks wishing to be anywhere but there, and then in a short time was blessed with the opportunity to share my core’s vision with the fall athletes in the dorm. I was BLESSED, yet as I spoke the vision of Tessera, was forgetting to apply it to my own life.
This is a Tessera. This college. This small hick Kansas town. This cross country team. My precious roommate who has yet to arrive. The girls who line the hallways of this dorm. This is my Tessera. This is the season the LORD has put me in and I want NOTHING but HIS will.
It’s amazing how fast your thoughts get messed up when you stop focusing on the King and the Kingdom. My place in this dorm and on this campus is to be loving, supportive, servant hearted, and a prayer warrior. I KNEW that coming in, but somehow in the last few days became ME focused. I was lonely. I missed the hugs I shared with my roommates. I missed the mini wheat’s with Krystal in the middle of the afternoon. I missed the way you unlocked the door, and where the showers where in the bathroom. It was finally hitting me that I wasn’t going to go back to garden valley in a few days that this little Kansas town with no hills, or red ants, was home.

It’s weird. For the FIRST time since I’ve been here, I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad I’m living in this little room, in this hall, with this RD, this RA, this roommate (who arrives TOMORROW). I’m glad I’m on THIS cross country team, running with these girls, being led by this coach. My heart desires to be nowhere else. It reminds me of a conversation I had on the back porch of Carey back in April, after having been moved to the Global Expeditions Call Center. I pulled out my journal from that night and decided to share a bit of it…

It’s not over yet.
It IS worth it.
No matter the circumstance HE is in control.
I do not have to try to take care of myself – He will.
Relax.
Do not live life based on what you want.
Surrender – Daily.
It’s not a one time decision.
It is a daily one.

“There is NO place I’d rather be.”
That is true for you.

Remember your story.
Remember they are REAL people.
Jesus – this life is SO good.

It’s weird when I wrote those words they meant completely different things than they do today, but they are still such a great reminder.
There really is NO where else I’d rather be than sitting in this tiny Kansas town.
Why the change of heart?
Just twelve hours ago I was trying to convince my mom to take my home with her.
I was reminded of a little nugget today.
“There is no where I’d rather be than in the midst of God’s will.”
I can fight all I want, but being in the midst of God’s will is better than being ANYWHERE else.
I want NOTHING but to serve the LORD, and it would be pretty hard to do if I just gave up on what HE has for me.

Before I got too excited about this I was reminded of something else, something a wise person told me as I was preparing to leave the honor academy… “ Lyssa, it doesn’t matter what you know, it matters what you DO differently.” I could walk away from this bed today, as I go about my dorm, and my practices and KNOW that this is where I was to be, that this is where I’m SUPPOSED to be, but it won’t change anything unless I start acting differently.

Be confident today my friends.
You are walking hand in hand with the LORD.
With HIM on your side, NOTHING will defeat you.

Sterling, Kansas is home.
I am BLESSED to be here.
Blessed to be amidst THIS tessera in life.
One I so greatly look to cherish every second of.

Just Keep Drinking...

2009-08-10T20:12:00.000-05:00

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

“I’m with you”

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I wonder how plants feel when they are removed from their greenhouse. I wonder how the ship feels when it first re-enters the ocean, how baby puppies feel when they are placed in a new home.
I however no longer need to wonder how an Honor Academy Alumni feels when they re-enter the world. It seems the time I dreaded since that fateful day in May has arrived, and here I sit in the midst of it. Jake perched atop my shoulders, and the Astros on the big screen television, there is no doubt that the life of an intern is a thing of the past. It’s weird when a time you’ve spent trying to ignore, trying to run away from, and trying to avoid for the last two months is finally here and there is no denying it or the pain it brings.
My heart hurts, but it is a different kind of hurt, at least for me. It’s not one I am in a big hurry to run away from, I am not ashamed of it, nor do I find it necessary to conjure up all these reasons for my heartache. I also however do not feel it necessary to wallow in that sorrow, so I get up go bowling, go to lunch, make plans with friends, go running, spend time in the word, putting on a smile and living life. It doesn’t hide the sorrow, but it keeps the sorrow from controlling me. I can’t tell you the last time I went through something like this without the desire to turn my back on the Lord, and do something to make it at least for a moment less painful. A broken season is set before me, and I want to ride it out with the Lord.
The hurt I’m feeling right now reminds me of a night months ago, when I lay sobbing on the football field, looking up at the stars, realizing the Honor Academy was killing my flesh, that it hurt, and it wasn’t fun, but it was so good. It is not a fun state, but it so very necessary. I in a battle with my flesh every moment of everyday, forcing my hands to stay open, forcing myself to not cling to things of the past, or even things of the future.
Keeping my hands open, allowing the LORD to freely give and freely take away.
I learned a lot about love this year, in fact if I had to sum up what I learned this year in two words it would be trust love. In that, I realized how many different aspects love has… in the last few days I’ve been reminded that sometimes love means letting go.
It isn’t easy, by any means. I sometimes feel like forcing my hands open takes all the energy and concentration I have. I want to hang on to things. I want things to stay the same. The Honor Academy and the people there had become home to me, safe, secure. There were times I didn’t want to admit it, but all in all, I loved it there. And deep down inside there is a tiny piece of me that would love to go back, but I know that is not where the Lord is calling me – it isn’t where I am destined to be, and really all I want is to be in the will of God. So this pain – this transition pain – is good.
In the midst of this season, in the midst of the tears, and the memories, I’ve sat back a lot and thought and realized just how big our God is. My heart will begin to fall to pieces, and the tears will start to flow from my soul, the world will seem so big and scary outside of that Garden Valley campus, and I’ll feel like I’m beginning to fall into a huge black abyss, when His arms will wrap themselves around me, and HIS voice whisper in my ear, “Do not fear dear one, I am with you.”
I learned in New York that the Lord really does want to give you the desire of your heart; He isn’t holding back on you, He isn’t out to get you. He desires to give you what your heart craves more than your heart craves it. But that doesn’t always mean that it is going to come in the size package you thought it would. I am confident in this. Confident in HIS promises. He gives and He takes away. But no matter where we are, it isn’t the end. He isn’t done yet. He is not going to give us the best He has for one year, and then leave us like an abandoned puppy on the side of the road, or a plant without any water.
This past year our roots have gone DEEP. We are rooted so deeply in Him, we just have to keep drinking.

Jeremiah 17:8

He will be like a tree planted by the water

that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes;

its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought

and never fails to bear fruit."

Little Baby Bird

2009-08-06T07:21:00.002-05:00

A bird.
Fallen.
Broken.
Close to death.
Small.
But still a bird.
Picked up by the ones who were supposed to raise her.
Then dropped again.
Picked up again and again.
Until she was left alone on the ground.
Unable to stand.
Her wings had never developed, the growth stunted as she continually tried to stand on her own while she was too young, too inexperienced.
Wings seemingly destroyed, she had given up fighting, and just lay there, unable to place herself back in a nest that was safe for her healing.

A new home.
Safe. Secure. Loving.
Still unable to fly, but others nursing her wounds, healing her heart.
Holding her down when she tried to tumble head first out of the nest.
Casts in place to heal the broken wings.
Daily feedings brought straight to her mouth.
Never alone.
Watched.
Loved on.
Nurtured.
Cared for.
People serving her, guiding her, healing her broken wings.
It hurt sometimes, but everything seemed to be about making her comfortable.
The little bird thought this was how it would remain.

The casts were removed.
Her wings were no longer broken, just needing to be trained, and strengthened.
The little bird needed to be retaught how to fly.
Those around her determined to make her succeed.
Determined to see her wings flutter and carry her into the wind.
The little bird didn’t know.
Flying had brought bad repercussions in the past.
Painful disasters.
Brokenness that she on her own was incapable of recovering from.
She enjoyed the safety of her nest.
She enjoyed the nurturing, the caring for, the guidance.
But soon it all started to stop.
Those people were pushing her to learn how to fly, removing the nest.
Forcing the little bird to flap her wings and fly on her own.
But when she got tired, and her wings couldn’t flap anymore.
When she got near that dangerous owl (or loin)
When she needed a little more guidance to find the nest.
They were there.
Supporting her.
Guiding her.
Helping the little bird.
The little bird often times they had forgotten to watch out for her.
She thought she was too close to the predator and didn’t know what to do.
She thought they had left her.
But in the moments she needed them the most they appeared from nowhere.
Proving to the little bird that the nest was still home, and they were still there.

When the little bird fell.
Which she did.
They let her.
She had to learn.
They were there to help her get up.
Or encourage her to get up on her own.
Remind her of the basics, and get her back flapping those wings.
Sometimes she didn’t trust them.
They wanted her flying again before she was ready.
But as time went on she realized they never led her astray.
They knew more of what she was capable than she did.
They weren’t going to push her too hard or too far.
They just wanted to see that baby bird learn to fly again, all on her own.

The baby bird that came to the new nest.
Was showered in love and compassion, and then pushed to her limits in learning to fly.
Is not so baby anymore.
The nest is not going to be her home anymore.
The big birds won’t be flying over her watching out for her.
She’ll be out on her own in the open sky.
But first she must enjoy her last few days in the nest.
With the ones she loves, and whom love her.
Then she’ll put on her big birdie wings and fly into the open skies of Kansas.
Praying she’ll remember the things she’s learned.
Praying she’s been equipped.
Praying she’ll steer clear of the enemy and stand strong in the word.

This bird might not be ready.
But it’s time to fly.
She’ll probably fall.
More than once, and it will probably hurt.
Sometimes worse than she expects.
But she trusts the ones she loves.
If they think she’s ready for the open skies.
She must be.

My Heart Is In Brooklyn

2009-07-31T14:43:00.002-05:00

I’ve been back from New York for a week now. Away from the kids that stole my heart, and the ministries that lit it back on fire for the things it truly burns for. Away from Brooklyn and the sweatshirt weather every night. Away from the red lights that brought more jokes than anything. And here I sit in the intern longue, rain falling slowly outside, worship music seeking in from the caf. My heart is still lost somewhere between Brooklyn and Harlem, the borrows who reminded me what made my heart come alive, that reignited the passions deep in my soul.
Trust.
Krystal told me that was the word she would use to describe what I’ve learned this year.
Funny I still think it is my weakest point.
I still dream about those little kids at night. Still hold them in my arms and whisper prayers in their ears.
But I know I cannot save them.
I must trust the LORD to save them.

HE is the ONLY one who can.

New York changed my life, and when asked what the LORD did in my heart. I gave three answers.
1) He reminded me that HE DOES give me the desires of my heart…. Just not always in the ways I would have expected them.
2) Boldness. Confidence. In HIM, not in myself.
3) Prayer. Even when I am not physically in a place, I can affect it by the power of prayer. If we truly believed prayer worked we would do it a lot more often.
I feel like it’s been eternity since I ran around Brooklyn with the girls that felt like sisters after merely days of pushing our mattresses side by side and whispering long after lights out. But the fire those kids lit in my heart is burning more steady now than ever before.
This is what my heart BURNS for.
Children, who need love.

I’ll never forget new York y, 2009.
It has become a part of me, forever.
Words will never be written on this page that can even come close to the impact this trip, my fellow missionaries, and my leadership had on my life. But what is even greater than all that is the things the LORD did in my heart, in the hearts of my fellow missionaries, and in the hearts of the kids who I adore.

It’s funny that I’m sitting here trying to put this trip into words… trying to put into black and white ink on this here computer screen two weeks that radically changed my heart and the hearts of so many others. I’m going to leave this without words… Maybe in a few weeks something will spark up and I’ll post so more about this trip. But for now know a piece of my heart, and a bunch of my prayers are in Brooklyn, and Harlem.
These kids stole my heart.
And I don’t think I would want it any other way….

We Were Meant To Have Shelter

2009-06-24T22:45:00.003-05:00

I remembered the lunch meeting, being upset because it seemed no one cared about me.

They were both too caught up in the fact they finally “met” each other.

I didn’t understand why I was there.

I think tonight I figured it out.

As much as I remembered that meeting.

I’d forgotten what I’d heard there.

“We build ourselves this shack, thinking we have everything under control, and are “safe”. We come to the Honor Academy and God destroys the shack, leaving us out in the open to truly experience life, the heartaches, the joys, the tears, and the laughter. We feel farther away from God than ever, but really we are walking hand in hand with Him.”

Proverbs 24:3-4

By wisdom house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

We weren’t meant to live forever without a dwelling place. The shack had to be destroyed not to leave us out in the open, vulnerable to the world around us, but so that a new house could be build. I think somewhere I forgot that. I had fought with God while he was stripping me of the shack I’d become at home in, but ultimately given Him permission to strip me of it.

But then I sat and waited.

Swayed with the wind.

Rode the roller coaster of life.

I was unprotected and thought that was how I was supposed to remain.

I didn’t understand how one could stand firm, be unwavering, without any shelter.

I didn’t understand how it was possible, because it wasn’t.

I wasn’t expected to stand firm, in the waves and storms of the world.

Psalm 36:7

How priceless is your unfailing love!

Both high and low men find refuge in the shadow of your wings.

In this shadows of HIS wings I can find refuge while my shelter is being rebuilt. Founded on wisdom, understanding and knowledge, instead of fear, insecurity, and anxiety. Established strong, build with His guidance, not the worlds. He breaks; tears open, and strips down only so that He can heal. He doesn’t just leave us stranded out there, vulnerable in the wind, He doesn’t leave our hearts broken, He HEALS us, He rebuilds us, He remolds us. He creates us again, and we have to trust Him.

Jeremiah 18:4

But the pot He was shaping from the clay was marred in His hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to Him.

He is reworking me, remolding my shelter, but I have to cooperate.

HE is the potter.

I am the clay.

I don’t know what the finished picture will look like.

But I KNOW who He is, and trust HIM with my life.

TRUST Him to teach me to build my shelter in HIM.

Sometimes going for what’s best means acknowledging that what we have right now isn’t it. Standing out in the rain, vulnerable, exposed, waving in the wind; was not the best. I’m allowed to be there, that happens when the LORD strips everything away, but it is not the “ultimate destination” either. Even in those times, when we feel unprotected, swaying from side to side with the events of life I cannot let myself lose sight of the transcendent hope I have. Being “not okay” HAS to be temporary. God doesn’t just leave us there. The LORD tells us that in HIM we will be victorious; we will be okay because in the end the LORD always wins.

So here I find myself.

Back at square one.

But a different square one.

Building a new shelter, with HIM as my light.

The lamp guiding my feet, and my hands.

It’s not going to be easy.

I’m going to have to fight.

Fighting isn’t just sitting and complaining.

Fighting is doing THE thing your flesh doesn’t want to do.

Speaking the WORD out loud.

Using your sword.

Living as children of light.

Stand FIRM in the WORD become more knowledgeable of scripture. That is what my heart desires. These words written on MY heart, FOREVER more.

This book – this bible is my sword, my only defensive weapon in the WAR against the spiritual powers of the underworld.

“you can’t fight bad thoughts with your own good thoughts.”

“there are times when Satan is going to yell at you – you have to yell louder.”

I MUST make myself MORE focused on the one who is desperate for ME than the one who is fighting to destroy me.

I want my roots to go deep – my foundation and shelter strong – strong enough, deep enough, that no one and nothing can shake me.

Do you want to curse the darkness or light a candle?

It’s one thing to sit around and complain about the darkness, the wind and the rain you experience when you don’t have shelter, it’s another thing to fight it, to bring light in, to begin to build your shelter again.

1 timothy 1:15-16

...Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

Is God The Air You BREATHE?

2009-06-22T21:37:00.001-05:00

A question posed to me over a month ago now resurfaced in my mind tonight.

The night was dark, and the emotions high, adrenaline none.

Tuesday night of Mini Roads.

God’s grace.

Is God the air you breathe?

I answered that night without thinking.

Of course He is.

I AM at the Honor Academy right?

I mean I’m an intern; God’s got to be the source of everything.

But is He truly?

Or do you try to do things on your own?

Solve problems?

Fix things?

Sometimes I like to just sit and listen to worship.

Not sing

Not dance.

Just listen.

Tonight I did that.

Even if my world falls

I will say

Above all

I live for your glory

Could I really say that?

If my WORLD fell, would I still live for Him?

Would I still say EVERYTHING was for HIS glory?

Sure, I can sit in the back of the auditorium at the Honor Academy and sing those words.

But when the pressure is on.

When my world as I know it is being taken away.

Again.

Do I still say that above all, I live for HIS glory.

It brought me back to that night.

To that question.

Is God the air I breathe?

Or do I just tack Him onto situations when I think He can help?

Really do I breathe in His word?

His love?

His grace?

His mercy?

God is not just an insurance plan.

He isn’t just a teddy bear.

Nor is He just a police man.

He has GOT to be the AIR you breathe.

He is a BREATH of FRESH LIFE.

Trust.

That word comes up more times than it doesn’t when I’m exploring areas I need to grow.

I HAVE to trust God to supply the air I breathe.

Trust that HE will remain the same.

Trust that HE is who HE says HE is.

Not just know what He promises, TRUST He will fulfill them.

TRUST that whatever happens happens in order to bring HIM glory.

I don’t want ANY of my life to be about anything but HIM.

Bringing HIM glory.

Living for HIM.

Leaning on HIM.

Letting HIM be the air I breathe.

Harsh Realities Part Two

2009-06-17T05:58:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: I wrote this blog over a seven hour period while working the night shift in fleet. I finished it when I had been awake roughly twenty five hours... please forgive me if it does not make complete sense....

Last night I laid down in my roommate’s bed and was convinced I should give up.

I was sick of working hard.

I was sick of losing friends.

I was sick of things not being easy.

I was sick of having to say no to the world.

I knew I couldn’t do it anymore.

I had spent a month ignoring my heart.

I had just lived life.

As much as you can without feeling anything.

I was going through the motions.

Until Saturday night Meghan Fife asked me the hard questions.

(She always asks hard questions)

She asked about my heart.

I told her I didn’t know, and I didn’t necessarily want to know.

She told me I needed to know.

Convinced me it was okay to know.

That I needed to feel.

So feel I did.

And I found that my heart HURT.

The sting of not being accepted as a GI had hit.

I had spent too much time reminiscing over past memories.

I was questioning the future.

I knew I was failing.

I was positive if my leadership was inside my head, they would not be as proud as they said they were.

I didn’t know what happened to the girl who the world had seen for the last month.

Carefree.

Trusting.

Optimistic.

Confident.

But last night she was nowhere to be found.

And the girl, who was there, needed a harsh wake up call.

One that over the next twenty hours she constantly received.

My focus had switched.

I had gone from focusing on the cross.

To focusing on me.

Mistake number one.

Anyone who focuses on themselves is going to be miserable.

Because we, on our own, can NOT do anything.

We, on our own, are a terrible, terrible, mess.

Which was all I was seeing.

I was right when I said I couldn’t do it anymore.

That I couldn’t handle the long hours.

I couldn’t handle the missing friendships.
I couldn’t handle the “not being good enough” to be a GI.

I can’t.

I never could.

I wasn’t handling anything.

The LORD was carrying it for me.

Because I was letting Him.

But somewhere along the line, I decided I couldn’t trust Him anymore.

That I needed to take care of my own stuff.

Because He wasn’t doing a good enough job.

Maybe it was because I was confused.

Because I had tried to add to HIS plan.

Or maybe I subtracted from it.

I thought the Honor Academy was in my future for next fall.

I thought I would walk these same paths.

Sit in this same auditorium.

But the leadership of the Honor Academy thought different.

So without feeling much, I planned another life.

One the LORD has been in since day one.

One that I am excited about.

But I never let go of the piece of me that wanted to stay here.

The piece of me that thought I deserved to be here.

This is NOT about what I deserve.

Heidi told me that long ago, sitting in the gazebo for one of our long talks.

I had to decide what I wanted.

So tonight.

Sitting, my head in my knees, on the floor of the auditorium that has seen me cry more tears than any other room on earth.

I knew I had to make a choice.

I knew I either had to completely let go of Sterling, or completely let go of the Honor Academy.

I couldn’t split myself in half any longer.

The tears seemed to come from nowhere.

But they came, and they kept coming.

And I didn’t try to stop them.

Something had to give.

And it had to give then, because I was sick of living a split life.

I had to remember that this life was NOT mine.

The focus could NOT be on me.

That I was not called to live a comfortable life.

I wasn’t called to play it safe.

I was called to listen and obey.

I don’t have a right to ask questions.

He KNOWS what HE is doing.

I do not, and do not have to.

Just because I can’t see HIM.

Doesn’t mean HE can’t see me.

HE knows what is going on in my heart.

HE knows that Kansas is calling me.

Beckoning me.

So tonight as I prayed.

As I fought.

Struggled to let go of something.

He wouldn’t let me let go of the things HE has planned.

The life HE has for me.

In Kansas.

With Coach Dillard and the Sterling Cross Country team.

But He had me let go of being an MA

Of earning a title.

Of being a titled leader at the Honor Academy.

He reminded me this was about Him.

That when I focused on HIM everything worked out.

That when I trust HIM my heart was able to rest.

Being at the Honor Academy for me wasn’t about being a “leader”

It was about being healed.

Being loved.

Letting people care for me, and caring about other people.

I am learning.

Learning to be loved.

Learning to love.

Learning to trust.

Trust means sometimes accepting unanswered questions.

I don’t understand why I won’t be at the Honor Academy next fall.

I don’t understand what the LORD has in store for me at Sterling.

But I’m done begging for answers.

I’m just going to trust.

You can’t feel yourself into actions.

You must act yourself into feelings…

The Death Of Apathy

2009-06-13T22:04:00.001-05:00

You know how the LORD blesses you with those people who just being in their presence make you think.
Makes you wonder.
Inspires you to grow.
He’s given me a lot of those people this year, and recently I had lunch… watched one of them eat lunch…
Heidi Lynn Buxton.

words can't describe..
.

Over the past ten months she has spoke wisdom, shown love, given grace, and pushed me to grow in ways I never even dreamed possible. So it wasn’t much of a surprise that after our lunch meeting today, I felt a conviction deep in my heart.
It wasn’t that she said or did anything.
Just the way she lives.
As I hugged her goodbye and we parted ways I could feel the LORD tugging at my heart.

Apathy.
Without feeling.
Self – Preservation.
Don’t let anything in – don’t let anything out.
Two months ago Bianca taught core.
It shook my life then.
Reading back over the notes today, it shook my life once more.

I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to stop aggressively pursuing my self-development.
I didn’t make a decision to become apathetic.
It just happened.
I stopped caring.
I started slipping back into old habits.
Stopped focusing on areas I could improve.
Everyone was proud of me.
So I decided I could be proud of myself.

I stopped looking for areas to grow.
I stopped pursuing leadership.
I just wanted a break.
I was sick of working to grow if no one cared.
I had been growing for all the wrong reasons.

I wanted to be noticed.
I wanted to be trusted.
By people.
By this world.
I wanted THEM to think I was good enough.
And when they didn’t.
I stopped caring.
I wasn’t going to be a GI, so why did it matter.
I sat back.
Watched life happen.
Watched my core, my roommates, my friends seek wisdom.
Seek growth.
But I became the lazy woman, who put her hand in the bowl and refused to bring it to her mouth.
The resources were there.
They were plenty, but I chose to ignore them.
I chose to just live life.
And when you take the focus of the LORD, and becoming more like Him.
You fall back into sin.

I made excuses.
I thought that just because I had grown, that allowed for a mistake every now and then.
But then every now and then became more often.
And more often.
Until once again it was the norm.
I was doubting people.
I was putting walls up.
Ignoring my heart.
Caring too much what people thought.

Parting ways with Heidi on Friday I realized this.
My brain started to recap everything that had gone wrong in conversation.
Started worrying that she hated me.
Started second guessing everything I’d said.
That isn’t who I am anymore.

I became Apathetic about my growth.
And went backwards.
But not anymore.

It shouldn’t matter what PEOPLE think.
If PEOPLE think I’m good enough.
If the Honor Academy wants me to stay another year.
What should matter is the LORD thinks I’m good enough.
He entrusted me with a plan.
With a vision.
With a mission written on my heart by HIM.
That’s bigger than me.
That’s bigger than this place.
That WILL change this world in ways I couldn’t if I stayed at Teen Mania.
In ways I can’t if I don’t get serious about pursuing HIM.
I can’t stop just because people have started to notice.
There is ALWAYS more to learn.
More ways to grow.

My apathy died today.
Because I have a savior who desperately wants to know me.
And a heart that desperately needs to know HIM.

I Took A Deep Breathe And Jumped

2009-05-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

A few days ago a wise friend wrote these words in an email I will never forget receiving:

“You do not have to go back to that and you do not have to live in that place any longer. Will you leave it all behind even if it means leaving everything familiar? God calls us to take up our cross and follow Him and in your case that means leaving the fear behind but also leaving the security that familiar things bring. You are NOT alone on this journey. Remember that and believe it.”

It’s old news by now that I will not be at the honor academy next fall when the new august interns arrive and the new teen mania year starts over again. But just in case you vanished off the face of the earth for the last two weeks, and missed the memo, I was not accepted to stay a second year at the Honor Academy; and believe it or not I’m okay with that.

The fall brings many possibilities, many new adventures, many new tasks, and along with that many new fears.

The unknown.

Again.

It won’t matter what I learned from this year, the things I know, the knowledge I have stored away in the back of my brain. NONE of that will matter, what will matter is what I am going to do differently, what actions I am going to partake in because of the knowledge I have gained this year.

I have this facebook application called “On this day God wants Lyssa to know…” and as lame as it sounds everyday it has great reminders that really do apply to my life.

God works through anything.

Yes, even facebook.

A few days ago the application told me that God wanted me to know that it was time, to stop playing it safe and take the irreversible step, to trust Him when everything was telling me otherwise. It was that day I received the email I quoted above. That day I spoke with the Sterling Cross Country Coach, that day I decided it was now or never.

Staying at the Honor Academy was somewhat a “safe” idea for me, with child support my finances were taken care of, I had friends, I knew what to expect. My friends and family would support me, even if they didn’t fully understand. I was far enough away from home that I was away, but close enough to return when that case of pneumonia got to be too much to handle on my own. It was “safe.”

I think about it like this:

I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, and the LORD is telling me to trust Him, that He will catch me at the bottom. So, I stick my big toe off, looking to an outsider like I’m trusting HIM, but really standing on safe ground, knowing that if He doesn’t follow through I could catch myself.

Thinking I could save myself.

Lame.

Counting on being able to save myself.

Lamer.

Sterling College. Kansas. Snow. Flat land.

New.

Unknown.

Roommates.

Cross Country.
College.

REAL College.

Now that is walking up to the cliff, and without looking down, jumping head first, knowing that the LORD will be there to catch me.

That is what trust looks like, and believe it or not it is a freeing feeling, and once again a reminder that I can do NOTHING without Christ. Even as I am falling through the air, and Satan keeps trying to throw things in my path to get me to take my eyes off of the only one who matters, I’m at rest, safe in the arms of the LORD who never left my side.

The LORD gave me a word.

The LORD gave me a vision.

“I will radiate God’s love to the lost and broken of this world. Bringing a friend to the friendless, a father to the fatherless, hope to the hopeless, and love to the unloved. I will reach out a hand to the abused and neglected whom so many have forgotten.”

I added to that vision.

A second year at the Honor Academy.

A third year at the Honor Academy.

A core.

A title.

I wanted the words HE had given me to mold to fit what I wanted.

He stripped my wants away.

I watched as they shattered to the floor around me.

Once.

And then again.

But HIS words.

HIS vision for my life.

Stood strong.

Never faltered

Never shook.

I will not add.

I will not subtract.

HIS word, is HIS word.

TRUST HIM.

He WILL guide your path.

I took a deep breath.

And jumped.

Sterling College Fall 2009

2009-05-18T11:46:00.001-05:00

The LORD is so evident here.

Not just in the red dirt, green grass, and tall trees of Garden Valley.

But in my heart.

It’s setting in that the LORD is not IN this place because of the physical location.

But because HE is in the hearts of the people here.

The LORD’s hand in my life is NOT tied to the Honor Academy.

He doesn’t live in the dorms here.

He lives in the hearts here.

He lives in MY heart.

Where ever I go, He goes with me.

He travels with me places Teen Mania never could.

And that is why I’m okay right now.

Okay with the fact Garden Valley will not be home come August ninth.

Okay with not knowing where I will be.

What I will be doing.

Who I will be living with.

Because I KNOW He will be there with me.

Standing with me.

Loving on me.

“Seek Him. Nothing Else.”

This season is about soaking.

Soaking in HIS presence.

Soaking in HIS word.

Soaking in the Garden Valley sun.

Soaking up everything I can in the next 11 weeks, 6 days.

Just soaking.

Embracing everything

Enjoying everything.

This is the life I want to live.

This is the life I am living.

Realizing HE is the only thing that matters.

Realizing HE is all there is left.

When everything else is stripped away –

Will you stand or will you fall?

Because the LORD is the rock upon which I stand.

I will stand strong.

This isn’t about me.

What I can do.

What I can plan for.

This is about HIS plans for me.

Where HE guides my step.

When you truly trust the LORD.

There are no other questions.

(I will enjoy every minute left on campus. embrace the time here, trusting the LORD for the future.)

Confidence.

2009-05-14T11:03:00.001-05:00

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

I’m learning.
More now then ever before.
That I truly have NOTHING apart for HIM.
HE is the air I breathe.
HE is the ground on which I stand.
HE is the only strength I have.
HE is all I need.
Everything I have comes from HIM.
And He has promised me so many things.

Trust.
Trust that HE will keep true of HIS promises.
Trust that HE will provide.
There is such freedom in trust.
Such safety in trusting Him.

Knowing that nothing you do, or say is your own.
That everything you do is from HIM.
Be confident.
HE lives in YOU dear ones.
You have the KING of Kings inside you.
Be confident of the strengths HE has given you.
Do not be confident in yourself.
Because you on your own have nothing.
But be confident in HIM.
In the words He lays on your heart.
Because it is not your strength you are leaning on.
If you try to do anything on your own.
You have very little good to offer this world.

I am confident in who I am.
My identity finally lies in the hands of the one with whom it belongs.
The things HE speaks about my life are true.
The promises HE has spoken over me will come.
And I am willing to fight till the end for the things He lays on my heart.
Because I know that HE who lives in me, is stronger then he who is in the world.

Unshakeable Rest

2009-05-03T13:28:00.001-05:00

Rest.

I used to always think of rest as sweat pants – a hoodie – a cup of coffee – a good book. Possibly a thunderstorm.

Now in the midst of meetings, memorization, reading, working, writing papers, and little sleep – I am learning what true rest is.

It has nothing to do with what your schedule looks like.

How much free time you have.

How long you get to lie in bed after your alarm clock goes off.

But EVERYTHING to do with your heart.

Knowing that HE is TRULY all I need.

Being stable in HIM.

Being content in HIM.

Being dependent on HIM.

And NOTHING else.

There is TRUE joy in that.

There is TRUE rest in that.

Like nothing I have ever experienced before.

My life for the first 18 years was shakeable.

Built on things of this world.

My emotions.

My feelings.

Other’s emotions.

Other’s feelings.

Circumstance.

Logic.

Now in the midst of yet another storm.

More waves.

More crashing head on into the rocks.

More lighting.

More thunder.

More rain.

I have come to realize my roots go deeper now.

To the ONLY one who can truly give PEACE.

Understanding.

Clarity.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

But blessed is the man, who trusts in the LORD,

Whose confidence is in Him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water

That sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heart comes;

It leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought.

And never fails to bear fruit.”

Tessera –

The King.

The Kingdom.

Can NOT be shaken. J

Simply Craving HIM

2009-04-23T11:23:00.000-05:00

Humble.

Broken.

What a beautiful place to sit with the Lord.

The sun sets.

The sun rises.

HE never leaves my side.

Dependant on HIM

And only HIM.

Emotions are fleeting.

Circumstances come and go.

People fall.

But HE.

HE is ALWAYS THERE.

HE is ALWAYS LOVING.

HE is ALWAYS MINE.

Simply craving HIM.

In the midst of the waves, crashing onto the shore.

The thunder, the lighting.

My body quivers.

HIS loving arms calm my heart.

HE is there.

HE is comforting me.

And I am simply craving HIM.

My flesh is dying.

Daily.

My spirit is becoming more and more alive.

I need NOTHING but HIM.

HE is made powerful in my weakness.

Those moments when I fail.

When I fall.

When I can no longer push on.

HE reminds me of HIS victory.

He picks me up again.

HE puts HIS strength inside me.

It is through HIM and only HIM that I keep going.

Circumstances change.

Feelings come and go.

Friendships can vanish in the blink of an eye.

But the LORD

HE is ALWAYS there.

HE is ALWAYS sovereign.

Wise words.

You become what you behold.

If you behold yourself…

You find SCARY things.

Behold the KING.

Behold the KINGDOM.

Humility.

Not thinking less of yourself.

Thinking of yourself LESS.

This life is NOT about me.

My eyes can NOT be on me.

My eyes MUST be on the LORD.

HE WILL guide my steps.

This place.

Humility.

Brokenness.

Beautiful.

Oh the smiley faces.

2009-04-14T12:50:00.000-05:00

It was months ago Mr. Root pulled me into the conference room and instructed me to draw smiley faces all over the dry erase board in preparation for our morning meeting. The content of that meeting however, did not bring a smile to my face, or the faces of my co workers. On a recent road trip to Nashville I finally had the courage to ask him why he had me draw smiley faces that day – his reply has remained in my mind since then, a consistent reminder that there is always a reason to smile.

Rusty Watkins had a heart attack Sunday morning and died while getting ready for the sunrise service at Lakewood United Methodist Church.
Monday morning I was moved from the department I have grown to love and thrown into an entirely different world, the Global Expeditions Call Center.
Roads, which is possibly the most demanding week of the internship is next week.
My Core Advisor who provides great stability for me leaves tonight for New York City for a week.
I am still recovering from what was a huge double whammy of pneumonia followed by mono.
My friends, whom I dearly love, are watching dreams, aspirations, and futures they had within their fingertips slip away.

My heart is broken. So broken in fact that I cried for hours upon hours last night, curled in a ball on the floor of Carey, tears seemed to be pouring out of no where, and I did not think they would ever stop. It wasn’t even my normal “I just want to give up” tears but instead a desperate attempt to keep fighting, a desperate search for answers, for a way to keep Satan from attacking my mind with the strength I had allowed him to have in the past.
This morning after my short nap, I woke up with a different mindset, my eyes still burned, my chest still had a constant ache, and my heart was still broken, but I finally understood those smiley faces on the dry erase board during that morning meeting. For the first time I grasped the smile that always creeps across Mr. Root’s face when I come to him in crisis about the latest attack from the enemy.

James 1:2-4
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.

That is not just some Christian catch phrase. It is something we are called to do. When the LORD asks us to do things, we are supposed to listen, obey, and respond accordingly. Consider it PURE joy – and somehow beneath the surface, beneath the tears that I can no longer stop from shedding is that joy. I KNOW the LORD is doing a WORK in my heart, a good, meaningful, WORK. Work is not supposed to be easy though, and no one ever said that this work would be any different.
The Honor Academy is KILLING my flesh – pretty much every tiny bit of it, and as painful as it is, and as horrible as it makes me feel, it is GOOD. I WANT my flesh dead – I WANT to be completely dependant on the LORD and the LORD alone. THAT is what I am desperate for, and if it means countless more nights on the floor of Carey crying so hard I am positive my stomach is coming to come out of my insides with the next gasp of air – then so be it. But behind those tears, is the KNOWLEDGE that the LORD is good and HE is in control, the KNOWLEDGE that my flesh is dying, the KNOWLEDGE that I have come so far and still have so far to go – and that brings JOY to my heart.
Joy that these tears aren’t in vain.
Joy that my heart is becoming more and more like HIS.
Joy that HE is with me – no matter the circumstance…
Joy that I am going to bring HIM glory through my life.

My heart is desperate for THESE things… and I’m willing to cry all the tears it takes to get there.

Now What?

2009-04-09T09:19:00.000-05:00

I back out of a SWAT and Support trip to Indy.

I dropped IET.

I am letting little things go from my to-do list.

Realizing I do not have to be going 100 miles a minute all the time.

There is a difference between what I can do, and what I should do.

Seasons are changing.

The stage was set for this change a month ago.

I had the support.

I had the lighted path.

I had the opportunity.

But instead of embracing it I was afraid.

So I ran.

Far.

Far.
Away.

Big mistake.

Resulted in a downward spiral.

Satan’s lies echoed in my head.

Confusion.

Condemnation.

Frustration.

Seclusion.

Floated in my heart.

Overtook my soul.

I had turned my back on the LORD in one area.

But tried to keep seeking HIM in all the others.

It doesn’t work that way.

When HE puts something on our hearts.

We MUST step out in faith.

Step off the mountain and TRUST He will be there to catch us.

A month ago I stuck my big toe off the mountain and felt nothing but thin air.

I did not think He was going to catch me.

So I ran.

Harder. Faster.

Until I had completely blocked the mountain from my vision.

I wasn’t happy.

I wasn’t joyful.

I wasn’t following the LORD.

I was hiding.

Little things.

Surface level things.

Things I had learned to handle this year.

Tore me down.

Emotional breakdown occurred.

I cut.

Saturday.

That was rock bottom for me.

I laid in bed.

Dried tears staining my cheeks.

I knew in that moment I had to make a decision.

I could continue to live there.

In the darkness.

Alone.

Hiding my heart.

Or I could return to the path.

The path to places in my heart I do not want to go.

The path that I dreaded with such a passion that I ran from it.

Tuesday morning as I walked out of the IET meeting.

Knowing I would not be a PUMA.

I realized that without knowing it, I had made the decision.

That path.

That dark, painful, path would be the one I walked on.

With joy in my heart.

Looking down that path now does not scare me.

It is still dark.

Still painful.

But with God on my side I have JOY that surpasses my understanding.

I can taste the other side.

I can taste the freedom I KNOW is coming.

I KNOW I will have to work for it.

I KNOW I will want to quit.

But I KNOW that the LORD will not leave my side.

HE will guide my steps.

HE will catch me when I fall.

I am going into this again.

This darkness.

My past.

My strongholds.

The difference?
I am not fearful.

I am not discouraged about the journey ahead.

I am excited.

I am expectant.

I know that I have am ready for the battle.

I know I do not have to do this on my own.

I know I can not do this based on the strength of those around me.

I have experienced both extremes.

Both failed me.

I have learned balance.

The freedom of balance.

The joy in balance.

The battle knocked at my door.

Again.

I opened.

Again.

What now?

I will suit myself in the armor of the LORD

Take up my sword.

And fight.

And I will not back down.

…there is freedom on the other side of this…

Stupidity vs. Perservance

2009-04-07T08:15:00.001-05:00

Growing up they teach you that the right decision will not always be easy.

But when you realize it for yourself.

And it is about more than who to hang out with for the night.

It hurts.

Your flesh screams and fights.

Quitting did not seem like an option for me.

It never had.

For anything.

I ignored the voice that matters the most.

Consistently.

Time and time again.

I was miserable.

Chasing after a title that will NOT matter in eternity.

Chasing after a reputation that will die.

Wanting to please people.

But ignoring the most important voice.

My eyes still burn.

My hands are a little shaky.

My heart is tired.

Half relieved, half devastated.

It scares me how much this effected me.

How much heartache it caused.

Proves to me how much it needed to happen.

How caught up I was in the wrong things.

At the beginning of this phase I was talking to someone.

Someone I respect.

Someone I admire.

Asked them if they thought it was smart to continue.

They told me no matter what I always overcame.

I asked what happened if I didn’t.

They said it wasn’t an option.

But it was.

And I knew it.

From the very beginning.

When I stepped back.

Became naked.

Became vulnerable before the LORD.

Listened to HIM and did NOT run away.

HE held me.

But told me no.

Told me I was done.

There is a difference between perseverance and stupidity.

Not listening to the LORD is stupidity.

I was trying to cover it up as perseverance.

Being strong.

Performing Under Much Adversity.

But it was stupidity.

Under Cover.

Now I sit.

Eating Mike n Ikes.

Sipping Coffee.

On a Tuesday.

Before April 21^st.

The LORD has truly broken me.

Shattered me.

Over the last weeks.

That HE can fill me in.

HE can shine through my brokenness.

And that is what matters.

That HE is given the glory.

…I will not be a PUMA…

And I will be okay with that.

2009-03-26T11:13:00.002-05:00

Isaiah 64:8
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.

Broken. Breaking. Merely the clay in the potter’s hands being broken and remolded as many times as HE deems necessary to form me into HIS likeness.

This is how I responded to a new friend’s question about my heart last night. That was the most honesty I had expressed in response to that question over the last few weeks. I had been afraid to go there – afraid to admit how deeply my heart has been aching over time. There have not been these obvious surface level things like there were last semester, but my heart has been aching on levels more real to me than ever before.

Lord break my heart for what breaks yours

I prayed that prayer everyday for months – desperately wanting – desperately seeking – to feel the ache in God’s heart; to be intertwined with Him in such a way that I understood the aching in HIS heart for HIS children. I did not just want to casually pray for them any longer – I wanted to be burdened for them in such a way that I pray with passion – unceasingly intercede for their hearts. I spent night after night on my knees begging the LORD to break my heart like His breaks.

And now He has.

And know I sit.
Broken. Breaking.
Waiting.
Waiting on something.
Something powerful.

That prayer I prayed – I meant it then – do I mean it now? LORD break my heart for what breaks yours. Now that my heart is breaking – shattering at HIS throne. Merely the clay in the Potter’s hands. Do I still mean that prayer? Do I still desire this brokenness? Do I still desire my heart to be close enough to GOD to feel HIS pain for HIS children?

My heart breaks LORD – it shatters – you are the potter and I am broken sitting at your feet waiting patiently for the moment you decide to begin to make me whole again. That process – the process of becoming WHOLE in YOU – made complete in YOU – formed in your likeness – may require more brokenness – more attempts to reform me – then break me – then reform me once again. You deem how many times this is necessary LORD. You and YOU alone.

My broken heart is still beating – beating because I know without a doubt YOU are present in this brokenness – I do not feel you – but the rain – the thunder – the lighting – I KNOW you are in it ALL. I do not understand how my heart can be this broken – a brokenness I have only experienced once before in my life; where your chest actually aches. I do not understand it; but I KNOW that you LORD, and only YOU, can make me whole again.

For the first time in my life I am NOT doubting you in my brokenness – not doubting the fundamental truths I KNOW. The stars remind me just how vast you are – yet at the same time whisper to my trembling soul “It will be okay, dear one, I am here with you.”

Broken. Breaking. Waiting. And Remembering…

Remembering the feeling of tears welling up in my eyes when I was reminded, uniquely that God created the flowers so that I could admire them – to bring me joy.

What did God let happen to Jesus?

2009-03-19T08:46:00.001-05:00

Over and over the past few days I have been exposed to situations and to circumstances that had me asking the same question over and over again. A question I asked time and time again while I was growing up, but had been too caught up in “teen mania” world to ask ever since.

How could a God who LOVES let these things happen?

I was frustrated and angry at situations I found my friends in, finally understanding the righteous anger so many had for my situations over the years. Many of my friends found themselves caught up in “religion” instead of relationship; if you do not understand that religion can not get you anywhere, you have a rocky foundation to build your faith on. I am a passionate person and in the midst of the battles my friends are fighting, battles to overcome the devil and follow the WORD of GOD that is TRUE REAL AND RIGHT regardless of their situation, circumstance, or emotions, I am finding much confirmation that my heart beats for the abused, neglected, and forgotten of this world.

How could a God who LOVES let these things happen?

I ask that question with a different heart now than I did prior to the Honor Academy. The word love means such a different thing to me now; it is not this perfect fairy tale. Love is hard, loving someone means trusting them with your heart not just your secrets, allowing them to confront you and confronting them, knowing that they are going to do what’s best for you even if it is not necessarily what you want. In some ways those definitions of love answers the question; but let us pretend it did not. Let us take a journey back in my mind to October of my senior year when unexpectedly my mom lost her job and we were in a new city without a source of income. That was one of the first times I vocalized this question, Janell’s response that day radically changed the way I viewed the world.

What did God let happen to Jesus?

For YOU?

I remember reading over that email ten times letting those words sync in to my heart. It was the truth, here I was complaining about all God was putting me through and I had not stopped once to consider the amount of pain that Jesus went through for me. Thinking of the pain Jesus suffered on the cross did not take my pain away, but it lessened the burden somehow, reminded me that just because I was experiencing pain, it did not mean Jesus did not love me.

This week I found myself wrestling with God in ways I never had before; wrestling for understanding of my friend’s current situations, wrestling for words of encouragement and truth to speak into their lives. I left work on Monday afternoon completely on edge about three different situations I had been exposed to in less than three hours. My heart was breaking for these girls, for their lives, for their current situations. I did not understand how MY GOD, a God who LOVED them could allow such things to happen. I did not want to talk to people about this. I knew my answers had to come from the LORD. Not long into my head on face time God reminded me of the question Janell had asked me so long ago….

What did God let happen to Jesus?

For YOU?

SuddenService.

2009-03-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person;

having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them

all out, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take

and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with

the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

This weekend I embraced my internship and the ability it gives me to be spontaneous from time to time. On Tuesday afternoon before Chapel my old manager, Denver Root, came up to me and told me we were leaving for Nashville Friday afternoon. That is just where the adventure began. Now at 1:29 Monday morning I am driving through east Texas knowing and anticipating the 2-mile test out that will begin in three and a half hours, knowing without a doubt sleep will not come before then. After that run will come my first mid-term for spring semester and a seven hour work day. I will embrace this because I know this trip was worth it.

The adventure really started a few weeks back when my heart began nagging me about finding a way to Nashville to see the wonderful, Larissa Kubke, before she left for Canada. Through a random turn of events I discovered Denver had family in Nashville he wanted to visit. We discussed a trip but I dismissed the idea realizing there wasn’t a free weekend before Larissa left. I thought about buying a plane ticket, looked them up, and decided that I didn’t have the money. If God wanted me in Nashville He would provide me with a way to get there. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility on Tuesday when Denver grabbed my attention right before chapel. The excitement that flew through my blood stream as he spoke the words was uncontainable as I ran back to my computer to let Larissa know I was coming.

I couldn’t sit still in Chapel and my core mate Leah couldn’t bare to not know what was going on. As I spoke the word Nashville her face lit up, and from there on I realized just how much God was in control of this trip. Everything worked out perfectly. We got in the car about 9:15pm Friday night and drove straight through.

As Saturday morning rolled around Leah and I were giggly and quite sleep deprived as we made a secretive pit stop at Sudden Service. Oh the adventure we were embarking on. An adventure of independence and self discovery. The day ahead was full of anticipation for us both as I was going to meet Larissa and Leah was seeing her family.

For those of you who don’t know Larissa was a Teen HopeLine intern for a year and a half and during that time she was a light in the darkness for many teens across the nation and I was just one of them. I remember running to her when my mom lost her job, amongst countless other things, and never once did she leave me hanging. Yet in all of that she never let me sit back and feel sorry for myself; she taught me night after night that the only one I could depend on for anything; my strength, my identity, my wisdom, was the LORD and the LORD alone. Since arriving at the Honor Academy Larissa and I have gotten back in touch and became really great friends. It was going to be an honor and a privilege to see her.

We took an opportunity to rest and get some homework done at Leah’s aunt’s house before we made the trip to the Opryland Mall in Nashville. There we made quite the appearance, joking about being professional hobos with our huge bags. My stomach was in knots as it grew closer and close to time to meet Larissa and her friends at the Rainforest Café. We had a great time together and then it was time to go to Leah’s house where we surprised her mom with bringing Leah home. Sunday morning was youth Sunday at Leah’s church in which her younger sister Naomi played a big part. We went out to eat with her family before making the journey to meet Denver and travel back to Texas.

It was a crazy busy and action packed weekend but looking back these three people have influenced my life more than they will ever know. They are three of the people who have shown me what true friendship is like. What it’s like to be able to trust, to be open, to love and I don’t think any of them even begin to realize how much I care about them.

Larissa, Denver, and Leah words can’t do enough to thank you for this weekend, to thank you for the friendships I have with all of you that are so much stronger than any friendship I’ve experienced before. Thank you for loving me even when I’ve been unlovable and not giving up on me when it would have been easy. This was a weekend I will never forget.

The Beginning Of My Journey To Discipline

2009-03-06T19:50:00.000-06:00

I decided today that I was going to start being more disciplined today, not tomorrow, or the next day, or the next; but TODAY. One of the things I made myself accountable to is blogging once a week. So for my faithful, or not so faithful readers you will be seeing/hearing/reading more of me over the coming weeks. I was talking with Janell last night about how I didn’t need to spend two hours on blogs, thirty minutes, write a rough draft and leave it at that, it will be hard for me but I want to keep you all informed on what’s going on in my life at teen mania.
For this week’s blog… (as lame as this is…) I’m going to include my reflection paper on the week of the ring we just experienced here at Teen Mania. Enjoy and let me know your thoughts!

Only He Makes Me Worthy

The lights were dim in the SAC that night, as worship music played in the background, a perfect soundtrack for my life. I struggled to begin writing the words that would become my vows to the Lord. My eyes burned and tired tears began to streak my face; I didn’t want to do this, not now. I remember laying there, wishing, hoping, praying something would come up and I would get out of writing such intense feelings down on paper that night. I finally gave up hope and began to write. I poured my heart out to the Lord, vowing to Him that I would be His bride, but more importantly that I would allow Him to be my bridegroom.
As I finished I stood bringing my vows to the leadership of my core. Looking back and forth between Heidi, my adopted MA, and Krystal, my CA, I wasn’t sure who to hand them to. Heidi ended up taking the paper, looking me in the eye and walking me to the other side of the gym. The truth and life that this woman of God has spoken into me this year out numbers words that could be written on paper, and this night was no different.
I had been determined that I was the only August intern on campus not excited about the up and coming ring banquet; convincing myself that there was no way I deserved to wear a ring of honor around my finger. I struggled with the thought of even wearing the ring. I wasn’t worthy and I didn’t understand how everyone else could be taking the event so light heartily.
Heidi looked me in the eyes that night and eased my fears about not being honorable enough to bare the honor ring, to join the line. Reminding me that by this point of my internship I had been through enough that I knew the only way I was even still here was because God had placed Himself inside of me in ways I had never experienced before. She told me that I myself could not live up the standards that come with wearing the ring. The only way I could continue to be an honorable woman was with God inside of me, growing and stretching me every step of the way.
Monday night as I took the shimmering silver ring out of the box I remembered those words: “Lyssa you know the only way that you can do this is with God.” Now every time I look down at my left hand, or feel the extra weight as I begin to type, I am reminded of the vows I made to the LORD in the SAC that cold February night, and then solidify every morning as I place the ring on my finger.
Looking into the future I am so thankful that I will have other members of the line there to hold me accountable to the standards of the ring. I will look to hold them up to the level of excellence we learned and embraced while interns at the Honor Academy. When I do fall, which I will, I will remember that it was nothing I did that made me worthy to bare the ring, but it was what Jesus sacrificed for us, that He gave up His place. He and only He make me worthy of the ring.

So there is my little blurb about the ring.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers this weekend as my friend Leah Galito and I travel with my old manager Denver Root to TN and KY to see family and friends.

Vows To My LORD

2009-02-27T14:59:00.001-06:00

My heart and my soul belong completely to you LORD – and you alone.

With you as my strength I will no longer allow any circumstance to hinder my passionate pursuit to seek you – know you – and bring glory to your kingdom. I will continue to press on even in the moments in which it seems as though the devil has won. I will wage war a continual war to put my flesh to death and to bring hope to a hopeless generation. With you as my strength I will not quit when I get tired, fed-up, angry, worn-out or uncomfortable; with you as my strength I will fight on.

With you as my peace I will cast all my cares at your feet as often as necessary – refraining from picking them up again. I will throw myself at your feet when the world seems too much to bear. I will allow myself to rest in the silence of your presence truly trusting you to come thru in ways that I could never think of or imagine. With you as my peace I will put to rest my anxious heart trusting that your love is good – not necessarily what I want but what I need – with you as my peace I will surrender – I will trust.

With you as my joy I will dance with you in celebration – and allow you to turn my tears into an indescribable joy. I will let you transform my heart and my mind to be focused entirely on you and you alone – constantly reminded of the gift you gave me – the price you paid – the empty cross – the love. With you as my joy I will no longer rely on happiness to get thru the day.

Lord – my heart and my life are yours – and on days when I don’t have the strength to give it away please take my life from me – in you I will find my strength, peace, and joy – thru you I will find life; there is no other way.

2009-02-01T13:14:00.000-06:00

Random facebook thing...

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish

1) I once was paid to attempt to put a softball in my mouth...it got stuck....
2) I have to have everything color coordinated-- everything. I have a different color of notebook paper to write on everyday of the week, a different color pair of flip flops for the shower every day, and i highlight different things in my bible in different colors. My journal too is color coordinated...as are my to-do lists.
3) I put hot sauce up one of my camp consoler's noses once... and when my mom was to give me parting advice on going away to school...the one thing she could think to tell me was "never ever do this again"
4) My name means rabies, my sisters means princes... i think that should bother me more than it does.
5) I am in the perfect place, with the perfect people, doing the most difficult things of my life.
6) One of my roommates names is Alyssa... and believe it or not we normally don't get names confused... she is baller... and we have a secret spot, for those times we don't want to go to the back forty to eat an orange...
7) I was told once that everyone meets their twin at one point or another... and i finally met mine. Mind you she is five years older than me, from a completely different state, likes chocolate, and ice cream, and my dad thinks she is invisible. But really, in reality I wouldn't have it any other way.
8) One email, one phone call, bananas, and mudmasks got me to the place that I am in my life right now. Funny how things work huh?
9) I've had the same best friend for as long as I can remember. She pretty much knows me better than anyone ever in the universe. She is amazing. She is strong. She is a comeback kid. I love her. She is my coconut. Ha. Oh the middle school days.Her family is my black family, they make me happy inside, and sometimes I wish my last name was bradshaw.
10) When I was three years old I told Santa I wanted to be black for christmas. I meant it. I must not have been good enough that year...
11) My eight grade year my middle school had something like 6 or 7 real honest to goodness fires. We also had brass knuckles brought to school, and a few bomb threats. We were normalize on the local news. One of my best friends dads was a local newsman. I saw him a lot.
12) I like to model random bits of food in grocery stores late at night. Another favorite past time is hide and seek in wal mart. It's funnier than it sounds.
13) I secretly always wanted to be a gymnast. I know laugh if you want -- and if you know me you probably are laughing...but I never even tried because when i was little my mom told me i didn't have the right body type.
14) I'm really proud of my big sister. She raised me. She was around all the time when I was little and put up with my nonsense. It was kind of crazy. She left for school and changed a bit, but I never think I told her how much I admire her, for going through all she's gone through and not giving up. She doesn't realize it as much as she should.. but she IS one of my heroes...
15) I was there the day the turtle dance was invented. It took the east coast by storm that summer, all thanks to my littlest cousin.
16) I'm starting to realize that truly the best things for you are NEVER easy -- they hurt -- they bring tears -- but they are so worth it.
17) I used to have a room with hot pink walls and black poka dots...it ws the first place that i ever felt AT HOME with myself...i miss it.
18) I really love to take pictures, but never seem to take pictures at the right times, hints why my dad thinks one of my closest friends is invisible...
19) I coached a basketball team this past year -- 2nd 3rd and 4th graders... they were the joys of my life and taught me more than i even knew at the time.
20) I'm a sports person, and I tried to fall in love with football last fall but it didn't happen, hints why i'm planning on hiding in the closet and doing homework during the super bowl party tonight.
21) When i came to the honor academy i hated chocolate, hamburgers and ice cream. Now it's down to ice cream. I'm being influenced. I also love to drink coffee. Mercy Ships is my favorite.
22) I keep getting told I should write a book...i want to but the idea scares me...
23) I want to get married at a place called hippo rock, at the church camp where i gave my life to Christ. I really want to get married in really pretty dark jeans and a white t-shirt...but my parents don't agree..
24) Tessera has become a huge part of who i am. It is part of me. It is part of all of us. Embrace it.
25) I feel safe in corners...i had a corner in my favorite teachers classroom last year...i like hiding under desks...they involve corners...i have a favorite corner on campus near Heidi's desk. It's funny how safe I feel in them...people laugh...but i do...feel uber safe...

We all need a reminder...

2009-01-28T11:54:00.000-06:00

Monday night I sat down with Krystal for a short talk that ended with something along the lines of “I have some things I want to talk to you about. New seasons in my life.” Then she left to go celebrate the Chinese New Year.

Isn’t it great how God so certainly allows us to hear exactly what we need to hear in the exact moment we need to hear it? I learned last year that Krystal loved me. I learned that Krystal was not out to get me. I learned how to trust love. God’s and others. So what happened Monday night in the instant those words left Krystal’s mouth and went through my head? I forgot for a second what I’d learned. I know that Krystal loves me. I know that she desperately wants the same thing that I’m craving right now, for me to be walking down the exact path God wants me on, and serving Him, living with Him, on a level I’ve never been on before. So why, even for a second did I doubt, did I wonder if I could trust her when she said not to worry?

Because I’m human, and although I wanted everyone to think that this semester I wasn’t going to struggle, that I wasn’t going to be battling anything in my own life, I am. Reality Check Lyssa, you’re human. I was amazed that chapel yesterday, struck a cord within my heart, and it wasn’t the main point that I feel like our speakers were trying to get across.

Whoever does not know love, does not know God, because God is love.

If you don’t understand love, you can be staring it straight in the eye, as I was Monday night with Krystal, and not know you are looking at love.

It takes the right perspective hear to recognize love.

I thought I learned all there was to learn about love, and trusting it last semester, and that it would be time to move on. But as I’ve found out lately my ways are not Gods ways, and Gods ways are much better than mine.

And hey, we all need a reminder from time to time.

I Like It.

2009-01-13T12:42:00.000-06:00

“Are you laughing at me?”

“No I’m just enjoying your presence”

Above is a conversation I had with my (old) manager, early last week.

Yesterday my adopted ICT, Beth, asked me about loving myself, I did a rather horrible job of explaining my answer to her question. This was because I started talking about something else and ended up about a mile away from her question; she thought I was ignoring it; however I really HAD intended on bringing the two points together I just never got around to it. (I find I do that a lot). So here I will try to somewhat enlighten you all. J

As I said in an email to a rather wise friend of mine late last week, “There is a new feeling in my heart. It’s calm, and for the most part has been for days, but it almost feels like something’s missing. There are things going on but I’m really not preoccupied by them.” This is new for me, not bad, not unwelcomed, just new. My life was a constant hurricane last semester and somehow I think it got in my head that’s how life ALWAYS was going to be at the Honor Academy. But that isn’t true.

Gauntlet took me back to last semester, my commitment, and my failure to live up to it during my first four months as an intern. I didn’t give the internship my one hundred percent; I was too caught up in ME and what I was going through. I grew, don’t get me wrong, I grew in HUGE amounts at rather pivotal points, where it was pretty much “learn this lesson, or go home”. But often I found myself failing to meet expectations, either mine, or one’s others had put on me, and I wasn’t okay with that, spent hours at night worrying about it, and fretting over what I was going to do differently. It turned into a vicious cycle of tears, and let downs, and letting people down, my heart was in the midst of a record sized storm.

So this peace, this calm, this being okay with silence, is new. I like it, without a doubt, it’s just interesting, it’s new, almost…..foreign.

For the first time in a LONG time, perhaps since I was truly a child, I love myself, down to the core. Okay so maybe not completely but on a deeper level than I remember ever loving myself before. I don’t know what did it, I don’t know if it was Christmas Break, relaxing, drinking starbucks, and playing my sisters wi fit, if it was the new year and the new opportunities it brought, if it’s the fact that I’m sleeping better, but whatever it was Jesus played a huge part in it, and I love myself.

I don’t always understand myself though, I feel like I’m living my life with a new person, and discovering new things in my heart everyday. I’ve been paying more attention to, to things like mood changes, when they occur, what causes them, and truly figuring out WHY I’m having that emotion and making sure it is legitimate and not just a mask I’m trying to put on for one reason or another.

This has been such a period of recuperation for me as well, I spent all of last semester trying to be something I wasn’t, trying to hold myself together when I alone couldn’t (and proved that more time than I can count.) I’m no where near as tired as I was last semester in the sense of needing sleep, I’m just tired of trying, I’m tired of using my energy to try to be something, tired of trying to prove myself.

Psalm 46:10 Be still and know that I am God……..

That verse sums up my life right now. I’m being still and realizing and remembering that He is God, and I am not. And in letting God take HIS spot in my heart and life I’m finding it easier to love myself, because for the first time I’m seeing HIM in me.

There are times when I doubt, when my mood shifts a little and I realize once again that I’m not invincible, that I am human and Satan will attack me. Like last night – I promise you there is an epidemic of some sort of cold/fluness going around the Honor Academy right now…and I was walking back from the Admin building (after dropping off some food for Janell) in the freezing cold staring at the sky; for a mere second I wondered if this really was all too much, if this was all just some hoax, trying to trust a God I cannot hear, see or touch, but then under the east texas sky (please tell me how I’m still in texas when it’s this cold) a sense of peace returned to my spirit, a peace that somehow in an instance finally put all the doubts to rest.

I feel like I’m waiting on something, something big, I’m just not sure what it is, but for the first time in a long time it doesn’t feel the dreaded waiting, the waiting that makes my stomach hurt because I just know that something bad is about to happen. It’s more of an expectancy, an excited, for what’s to come.

I like it.

I'm Not Just Changed....I'm New

2009-01-07T15:25:00.000-06:00

I was created to radiate Gods love to the world

I’ve been back on campus a week and a half; I stop and take a deep breath as I type that. It was less than a month ago that I ran away to the back forty, refusing to deal with the problems at hand, hiding from the help the Lord was trying to bless me with, and yet sitting here today, I don’t feel anything like THAT girl. I went back this morning during my quiet time and read my journal from that night, the night I laid crying in the back forty; here is a glimpse of it:

It’s funny how lately I’ve really found myself withdrawing from everyone – I’ve gone back to just giving people facts – not who I am. I wish I could believe that anyone really loved me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be sitting here alone – forcing myself to stay until I pull myself together…

I remember getting up from the damp ground that evening and truly dreading the rest of the night, but little did I know it was going to be the beginning of a transformation that completely changed my life. I had the most intense worship session of my life and it was reveled to me the importance of embracing Tessera, and my year here that at this point had already winded its way down to eight months. I don’t think I knew that night sitting under Janell’s desk with Krsytal that the seasons in my life were shifting, but looking back it was that night, that worship, that heart to heart, that started leading me farther and farther from away from THAT girl.

Home was a nice time for Jesus and I, a break from the stress, commitments, and conflicts that you often find yourself dealing with while you’re an intern at the HA. Not only that but it allowed me to really breathe for the first time since August. I was just settling into life at home when my break was over and I was packing up my stuff to return to campus. I didn’t want to come back, my heart was rather happy at home, in comforts of the familiar and the most stability I had ever experienced in my life. But in that, in the fact that I was finally getting used to sleeping in and staying up way late watching movies with my dad I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that it was time to come back. I knew that I belonged back here; the red dirt in the middle of no where in east Texas is home.

I got back on campus completely and totally refreshed, restored, and alert. I didn’t return the zombie that I was when I left. I felt great. I felt changed. I felt changed then, now I feel new. The past week and a half has completely reformed my heart, my attitude, and my perspective on things. I started the new year in a very different way than most, even different than most of the intern class, in a dorm room discussing with my core mates where we wanted to grow the most this year. It was amazing to me how no one spoke of losing weight, or working out regularly (but corporate is required…), or any of the “normal” new years resolutions, it was all about prayer, and armor bearing, and servant hood.

I refused to say the “New Year. New Me” statement so many of my friends were claiming, that seemed like to much for me, but now just a week into the new year, I believe it to be more true than anything. It’s Gauntlet week for the Januaries, but since we don’t have a January in our core it really has just felt like a week full of people pouring wisdom onto us, a great way to “check back in to the honor academy.” But really it’s brought me back to the beginning, brought me back to why I’m here, why in March of 2007 I said this about my opportunities at the Honor Academy:

“I had lost all hope, and then when I allowed God to take control he gave me something to have hope in, giving me a reason for life. Remember folks, when you’re down to nothing, God MUST be up to something.”

And then in October of 2007 I said this after finding out I had been accepted to attend the Honor Academy:

“My thoughts aren't together enough to write in words the excitement racing through my bloodstream or the love i feel abounding from my heart.”

And then finally why just hours before I left on the journey that brought me to this campus I said this:

“THIS is what I've been waiting for. THIS is what gave me hope in my darkest hour, and the fact that it's just around the corner (quite literally) just brings a whole rush of emotions I didn't fully prepare myself for.”

The last few days have really taken me back to the excitement that held my heart before I came, before the struggles of the last four months took over, before my vision was clouded and I took my eyes off the only thing that matters. I didn’t come to the Honor Academy to barely make it from day to day. I didn’t come to the Honor Academy to just survive. That wasn’t what I was coming for, but it’s what it became because when in my battle with the enemy, I did just that, made it MY battle, and I refused, often without fully realizing I was doing so, to let anyone, even my LORD help me. I took my eyes off the finish line and became so overwhelmed by the struggles that I couldn’t focus on anything other than those struggles, and on occasion putting one foot in front of the other.

I came to the Honor Academy to fully embrace my LORD and His love – to love on Him and to be loved by Him. I came here to truly KNOW Him better. To know how to serve Him better. It wasn’t supposed to be so hard to barely make it by – it wasn’t supposed to leave me struggling for each and every breath. This year was supposed to be about drawing closer to the LORD, and truly learning how to let Him rule my relationships with others. But last semester I took my eyes off of Him and put them on the struggles – but those struggles were merely there for a blink of the eye – but my LORD never failed me – never left my side.

Each gauntlet session has struck a different cord of my heart. On Saturday night we stood around a fire as we burned things, memories, papers, cds, photos, and watched different pieces of ourselves go up in the flames. For me, it was all about letting go of my past, letting go of who I thought I had always been, and who I thought I always had to be.

I felt free for the first time in a long time after that session, it was a cliché moment, but it was THE moment for me, did I decide to run to God or run and hide. I ran to God, probably for the first time ever. I was reminded what it felt like to laugh, and smile, without forcing it, without feeling like if I stopped pretending for two seconds the world would know my darkest secrets. It felt good to be living in the light. I enjoyed that freedom, but knew it wasn’t complete, because although I KNEW I wasn’t defined by the past I had let define me for all too long, I wasn’t really sure WHO or WHAT I was.

Going into our women’s session last night I didn’t want to be there, Krystal had finally gotten back from Canada and I just wanted to spend time with her. But something told me that I really needed to focus on God through out Holly Bailey’s message and the amazing worship before and after; core time would come afterwards and then and only then would I have the opportunity to love on our amazing Tessera CA that had been missing from east Texas for way too long. So I did, worship began and I found myself lavishing in the presence of the LORD, the LORD who would NEVER leave me and NEVER forsake me. Below is a fragment of my journal from worship:

“God you are just overwhelmingly present here – you are so full of love and dedication to me – its crazy. I know I can only see a drop of the sea of love and passion you have for me – I want to be a complete and utter fool for you. You have won me over yet again – but I desperately want to draw nearer – I want to feel your arms around me. You have to have my whole entire heart – every piece of it belongs so deeply and passionately for you – you are the LOVE of my life.”

Holly Bailey began to speak and the words of God just flowed threw her in ways I’d only experienced a handful of times before. His presence was so real and so evident to me I couldn’t even begin to put it in words. Holly spoke about the girl that we hide, the girl that we didn’t want anyone to know about, that girl with THAT past, that girl that struggles with THAT thing, she asked us if anyone knew her, if we knew her. I thought a lot about that as the session continued to go on.

She spoke about how the Honor Academy couldn’t save us, that this place isn’t our answer, and I think that for a long time, before I came and especially last semester I thought it was. Jesus Christ IS OUR ONLY ANSWER, He might use the HA, and He definitely has, but it wasn’t the Honor Academy that changed my heart, it was my LORD of LORDs and KING of KINGs. Everyone who has a destiny has an enemy. And the enemy wants to destroy their life. He doesn’t want to party with them in Hell – He wants to burn them in Hell. We aren’t meant to have to be slaves of our past forever. We are meant to be free – you might not be there yet – but you can get there – God wants you to be there.

As Holly ended the session she asked us all a question that really spoke to my heart “What kind of God do you show the world you show?” We began to worship again and all the CAs and Dorm Directors were at the front and open to pray for anyone who wanted to be prayed for. I sat close to the altar and allowed my heart to be truly moved by the LORD for a while, Janel Clayton and Isra came up to me and spoke words of truth over me that I never thought I would hear, and from two of the most unexpected people. God really laid it on my heart to talk to Amanda Harrington, I wasn’t really sure what to say so I just sat down and told her that I had let my past define me for way to long and I didn’t want it to be that way anymore. She poured so much into me, and my heart, and really put definition where definition was lacking after burning those pieces of my past on Saturday night. She told me I was created to radiate God’s love to the world. Created to radiate God’s love to the world. What kind of task is that? Radiating a love I’m barely beginning to comprehend?

Having a purpose however seemed to be a missing piece, as not only does my heart feel light, but it feels determined to pour into others, not content with just making it through. This semester is going to be different, and even if circumstances arise that make it difficult, it’s going to be different. I’m not going to allow myself to focus on anything other than what I came to the Honor Academy for. I do not in anyway think that the last four months were wasted, I learned a lot and grew in ways I don’t really know how to explain, but I still can’t afford to waste another day, another second, this time here, no matter how many years I end up staying, is just a blink of the eye in the light of eternity and I MUST make it count.

This morning at corporate Francesca walked up to me and told me I was just glowing last night, and asked me what was up. I just giggled.

Our God is so good.

I ended my quiet time today with these thoughts in my journal, the same thoughts I’ll leave you with today:

“Our God is so incredibly good and the feeling of a light heart just resounds in my soul to a degree that I’ve never felt before. And its good. Yesterday – I didn’t know what to do – I really felt like I wasn’t trusting you LORD and that’s where my problem came in. I am so glad that even when I falter and take my eyes off you and focus on the struggles life has thrown at me you were still there head over heals in love with me.

Making the decision that my internship was not going to be about just surviving until the next day – that was next semester – that was the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE trap I feel into last semester and I REFUSE to go back. This is the most important year of my life. I’ve got to learn to live it up.”

I was created to radiate God’s love to the world.

2009-01-07T09:34:00.000-06:00

Your presence is all I am longing for, here in the secret place

Your nearness is all I am waiting for, here in the quiet place

Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone

Like the watchmen wait for dawn

Here I’ve finally found a place

Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong

I’ve finally found where I belong, in Your presence

I’ve finally found where I belong, it’s to be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine

So come into Your garden and take delight in me, take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest

Here in Your presence, God

Continuing A Tradition

2009-01-02T10:15:00.002-06:00

I'm going to post the first sentance of first few sentances of the first blog of each month of this year...

January 2nd 2008

I see a world of oppurtunity, yet the way I'm living right now I'm going to be wasting the frist 224 days, because I'm too busy living in the future too busy living for what will happen come August, the people I will meet, the things I will do, the lifes I will change. This has to change, it has to.

Feburary 6th 2008

It's been a rough month, well in reality, rough isn't even the word for it. I'm learning alot, some friendships are more stable and strong then I ever could have dreamed, others surface level and incomplete

March 7th 2008

Yesterday was not good. It's that simple, I"m not making details public but it sucked. I know, I know, I shouldn't say that, I should be thankful I had yesterday, thankful I was alive for yesterday, but right now, I"m just thankful it's over

Apirl 13th 2008

Over the course of the last few days, well spanning the past few months really, I have realized that somethings just dont change. Sure, the exact details of them might, but the overall concept, just doesn't change

May 6th 2008

Sometime during the last week, maybe it was the mailing of graduation annoucements, or the cramming for AP tests, or the senior memory book that is still too far from done, it hit me, and it hit me hard. A month from tomorrow I'll walk the stage and receive my diploma as a Klein Oak Class of 2008 graduate. It snuck up on me like a baseball getting bigger and bigger, before BAM it hit me, square on, and I'm not sure if I'm ready.

June 2nd 2008

Today I received the harsh reality that I somehow knew was coming for months, but never wanted to admit to. This weekend when I walk the stage and receive my dipolma from Klein Oak High School, and get in the car and leave Spring, I won't just be saying goodbye to a school I have grown to love, and the people who have become such a huge part of who I am, I'll be saying goodbye to having a home in Spring.

July 3rd 2008

So I love Jenny. There's no denying it. She's pretty much the coolest little cousin anyone could have, and I've been lucky enough to spend quite a few of her birthdays with her. And yesterday as I sat across from her as she consumed this huge steak I thought of all the birthdays I've been here for and the different things that were running through my mind all those years and for the first time I think I really understood just how far I've come.

August 8th 2008

I’ve been writing this blog for over a week now, struggling to put everything I want to into words on paper. I still don’t think it does anywhere near the justice I tried so hard for it to give to the three week that allowed me to remember, be cleansed, and be transformed, turning me more and more into the person God has chosen to walk into Teen Mania’s Honor Academy’ gates just nine days from now.

September 18th 2008

October 7th 2008

November 10th 2008

Tears clouded my vision and hindered my breathing as my ca whispered four simple words in my ear. “Seek Him. Nothing Else.” It was Thursday night – the true beginning to the fasting LTE.

December 2nd 2008

Tessera...through my eyes....

2008-12-24T19:32:00.001-06:00

This afternoon after some last minute Christmas shopping with my mom and my sister I rode back to my dads in my sister’s convertible with the top down enjoying the eighty degree weather and for the first time since I left a week and a half ago I didn’t miss campus. I had just spent lunch with a family friend explaining the ins and outs of the Honor Academy and my sleep no-sleep patterns. As the wind rushed across my face I wondered why I was doing this to myself, why I got up so incredibly early to go do countless overhand claps and flutter kicks on the four count, why I picked cherries in the office to stay awake, why I had allowed myself to love and be loved after swearing against ever opening up my heart again. I had spent a few hours last night convincing myself that the Honor Academy wasn’t made for everyone and that in certain circumstances it was okay to not finish your whole year. When I was convincing myself of this it wasn’t for my benefit, I wasn’t trying to convince myself that I had due reason to not go back, it was in preparation to stand up for a friend who won’t be returning to the east Texas campus on Monday morning. But then this afternoon the reasons I had placed in my mind to stand up for that friend, seemed to become good reasons for me to not come back as well. I had realized how much I missed Austin, and Houston, and my family. I had seen first hand the friends I’d let down since I got in that car four months ago and drove away to a campus that is a completely different life than I have ever lived before. I didn’t want to keep letting them down, and I felt more equipped to be there and support them.
Then I came home and sat down at my laptop; I had started a blog earlier in the day about Tessera, and read the first few lines before jumping on facebook and reading a message Krystal had sent out to the whole core. It took my heart back to Garden Valley, to the red dirt, the ANVIL, upstairs carey, the café, the admin, and most importantly to the people, my core, Tessera.
I remember that first week I was sitting at my desk in my Ministry Placement, still overall bitter about being placed in IT and having to be switched out of Meredith’s gauntlet core when I came across a trouble ticket submitted by my “new” CA, Krystal Chan. I was so bitter about the switch of cores I still hadn’t even given Krystal a chance but still was excited to find some familiarity at my job. After opening the trouble ticket I realized it was a request for a distribution list, and had enclosed my core name for the year. At the point, Tessera was just a name, just another random word that seemed to have been pulled out of a hat. I wasn’t excited about the name, so it wasn’t hard to keep it a secret from the rest of the core until core roll-outs. (what a night that was…being blind on crutches….but that’s a different story for a different blog)
I don’t know where my mind was that night when Krystal set in front of us out in the Long Houses telling us about our core name and core vision, it was probably still caught up somewhere being bitter about the long hours I had been working and the fact that I still wasn’t connected to the girls I was about to commit to spend a year with; but wherever my mind was it wasn’t listening, and nothing really seemed to hit more than the surface level of who I was. Now looking back that doesn’t surprise me, I hadn’t let anyone closer than surface level at this point. I hadn’t let anything sink in and truly CHANGE me so the fact that this night didn’t isn’t such a shocker. But whether or not that night changed me, the actions I partook in that night did. I placed my hand in black paint and then placed it on the back of our Tessera flag, committing myself once more to live an honorable life and stay at the HA for a year.
Through out the next few weeks people would ask me about our core name, and being as unique as it was, they always wanted me to truly explain it to them, and I never could. And although for a while this didn’t bother me, as time went on, and I allowed my heart to open up it started to ache just a little inside when I couldn’t answer their probing questions. But Tessera to me was still just a name.
It renamed that way for a while as I envied over my sister core’s name, Steadfast. It had been Janell’s core name for her intern year and through that had taught me a lot. The Lord had really taught me lessons about being steadfast, never wavering in my trust and love for Him, holding on no matter the circumstances. Even though I’d already been taught these lessons I felt that I still had a ton more to learn about being steadfast, and the first few weeks of my internship confirmed in me how much I had to learn. I wasn’t connecting to my core, and it was a pride thing, at the time I would have called it fear, fear of being hurt, fear of being let down, but really looking back now I see just how much it WAS pride keeping me from some of the most valuable relationships of my life. I was scared of people, and relationships, and in general just as scared as I was of being let down, I was scared of letting them down. I knew these were the people I would be living the next twelve months with and I didn’t want to let them down and in turn ruin my year. I wanted my room to remain a safe haven, and I felt in order for that to happen I needed to remain at an arm’s length from my core, and especially my roommates.
I don’t know the exact moment when I allowed those barriers to start falling, when I started to let my roommates see me at my weakest times as well as at my lowest. I know it occurred sometime after my CA had our first of many TRUE heart to hearts. I remember walking to her room that day, not sure what to expect from her, she had been given the opportunity to prove my worst nightmares true, to do what every other person from my past would have done in that situation, close the door and walk as far away from my life as she could get. The only thing I did know walking to her room that day was I was going to be completely and totally vulnerable with her for the first time, I didn’t have anything to lose. Krystal took me by surprise in her room that day, looked me in the eyes and despite everything, told me she trusted me, and loved me. That was the day I truly allowed my walls to begin to shatter. It didn’t happen overnight, I still struggled to be open with Krystal on occasion and doubted why I had been placed in Tessera and not Steadfast, or Awakened. But I could tell something had shifted that day. Krystal wasn’t out to get me, she wasn’t looking for the first chance to escape my life, she was there to stay.
That first true heart to heart happened just over a week before Thanksgiving break. That was the day I decided to allow Krystal and the rest of my core a glimpse into my heart. To know more then my circumstances of my life but to know the ME behind the circumstances, to know the HEART behind the face they see everyday. I thought I finally had it made, I thought I’d finally done what I was supposed to do.
It wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t always the best at it. The last Wednesday night before Christmas Break however, changed my heart once again. I had a rough day, my management had been unexpectedly changed and I was struggling to come to terms with the idea of working under someone else. I got off work at five, had my ACA lifestyle eval and went to the back forty without a jacket on. It was cold, very cold. I stayed out there until it was time for Wednesday service. I journaled a lot, about how I didn’t know if I could keep doing this, how I didn’t know how to live up to standards so high, and about how I didn’t know who to trust. By the time I got to Wednesday service my entire body was numb and the only cold I could feel was my hands and my toes. I didn’t sit with my family core. I was going to until I saw Heidi and got the most unresponsive hug I’d ever gotten from her. So I went to the back, and half heartedly worshipped. I didn’t want to be there. Christina walked up next to me and gave me a hug, realizing how cold I was she just held me while I shivered.
Randy Olsson spoke that night, and I have some amazing notes, but that wasn’t even what stood out to me. After his message we worshipped again, and for the first time since gauntlet week I moved from my seat to the middle isle and all the way to the front. I didn’t look to see who was around me, I didn’t even look around to find my family core or my friends; I just worshipped. And God really spoke to me. He brought me back to a conversation I had with Janell long before I even came to the Honor Academy, after I told her how bad I wanted to be a part of her core, steadfast romance. She told me that night that just as God had placed her in the perfect core for her, He would place me in the perfect core for me. That hit me head on that night.
Tessera was the perfect core for me. Krystal was my perfect CA. That night Krystal and I had another heart to heart, under Janell’s desk of all places. I looked her in the eyes and told her she was the perfect core advisor for me, that Tessera was the perfect core, and that I was sorry for fighting that so hard for the last four months. Under Janell desk that night I made the decision to open up and allow Krystal and the rest of Tessera to see my whole heart, not just the glimpses I was proud of, and not just because I was supposed to, but because I wanted to, because they deserved it, because they were perfect for me. I’m fully aware that doesn’t mean they are never going to let me down, or that I’m not going to let them down, but it’s in those times were we can truly show each other love.
Over the last two weeks Tessera has been transformed from just a random word in my dictionary to a true divine placement in my life.
A Tessera is a single tile in a mosaic. Just as every TESSERA is essential to the creation of a mosaic, so is every experience we have in the building of our lives. This is written in our core-roll out, and was read to us that night back in October when I so diligently ignored it. Tessera also has three core values that until the last few weeks I have chosen to ignore, but just as the core is perfect for me, I realized that night the values are as well.

The first core value is intimacy – know your maker.
Psalm 139:1 O, Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
During Fasting LTE we were taught about how if we don’t believe in the God of scripture intimacy will lack. If we don’t believe that God is who He says He is how will we ever get close to Him. We must believe that He loves us unconditionally. We must believe He is who He says He is.

The second core value is identity – transformed into the likeness of His son.
Romans 2:29 No, a man is a Jew if he is one inwardly; and circumcision is circumcision of the heart, by the Spirit, not by the written code. Such a man's praise is not from men, but from God.
Courtney Gorman spoke about our identity during Fasting LTE back in November. She talked about how we weren’t just seen as forgiven, but that we had taken the place of Jesus, just as He took our place on the cross. We are seen as someone who has never sinned. Nothing we can do can make us more or less righteous, we MUST stop trying to earn something we already have.

The third core value is faithful labor – endure for His kingdom.
Romans 8:30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified
Matthew 9:37-38 Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
For me this value means so much. Faithful labor, this doesn’t mean do EVERYTHING, it means do what you do faithfully. Heidi once told me that just because something was on someone’s to-do list for me doesn’t mean it has to be on my to-do list. I’m learning to say no to things that aren’t going to help fulfill what I’m supposed to be doing for God’s kingdom, and with not allowing myself to be stressed with everything I’m learning to be more faithful with what I do decide to do.

I remember talking about our core name once with my room during a room meeting and one of my roommates said she was surprised that there wasn’t more focus on the relationships we would have with each other. Although it isn’t written, I believe that just as every Tessera is so important to a mosaic, and every event in our life is important to our life, every member of my core is essential to make Tessera. It wouldn’t be complete without every one of us.

It’s taken a while but Tessera isn’t just a random word anymore, my roommates aren’t just my roommates, my coremates aren’t just my coremates, my CA isn’t just my CA, they are the sisters I’ve always dreamed of, and Tessera is a divine part of my life, an essential part of the mosaic God is creating with my life.

IN the world NOT OF the world

2008-12-19T23:25:00.001-06:00

I spent yesterday with my best friend. Oh how I had missed her. We were spending our first real day together since August, it was grand fun. Somehow in the midst of things we realized that we were hanging out together for the first time since I was of legal age, and started talking about all the things we could do because we were both finally "legal". Most of the things we were discussing were against Honor Academy Rules, and I knew better (krystal...others....keep reading...) I sent my lovely Heidi Buxton a message telling her to convince me rebelling wasn't worth it. Her response shocked me.
"Well it's not up to me to prove to you that rebelling is wrong. As you yourself stated you know you shouldn't. If knowing that whatever you're wanting to do is against HA rules and therefor not what God wants you to do doesn't dissuade you then nothing i can say will. I guess I would turn the statement around and say "prove to me rebelling IS worth it." Does it really fix anything or get you anything worth having"
I think that was one of the rare times the five year age difference between Heidi and I really stood out. She's out of the rebelling teenager stage and was able to say just what needed to be said, to make me think. I don't think I really would have went out clubbing, or done anything else against HA standards, we all know how much of a stickler i am for the rules, the idea just seemed appealing, to leave behind the rules for just one night, to for just one night be "normal".
But Heidi's question is so right, does rebelling really fix anything? Does it get you anything worth having? The answer to both questions is no.
It all sort of ties into the grief certain people have been giving me about the honor academy, and the standards and rules, and lack of sleep (which is more my fault then the internships), and the workload, and the loved 5am workouts. I thought maybe just maybe that once i came home break and people saw how much GOOD it was doing in me they would stop telling me I had joined a cult, but I was wrong. And for a while it REALLY bothered me. Yes, the HA is hard, it's really hard, it's intense, but it is so incredibly worth it.
The AA for IT staff, one of the women of God who has so diligently poured into me over the last four months, Melanie told me something the first night i was back, when i was realizing how frustrating it was to be in the "real" world. She told me that we were in this world, but we weren't OF this world, so we were going to do things that people didn't understand. It's so true though. I'm proud of it.
I'm proud that I didn't give in last night and eat ten sugar cookies, i'm glad that I'm learning that it's about more then rules and what's sin and what's not, it's about living pure, living a life for God, and not of this world.
I don't really know what the point of this facebook note was besides to say I"m really proud of the high standards the Honor Academy and the people in leadership (ha...Heidi...you ARE a GREAT leader) at the HA hold me to, even though at times they may seem unfair, and impossibly high, setting me up to fail, they are so much a part of whats causing me to grow. It's these rules that the world doesn't understand, that makes them ask questions, that gives me the opportunity to tell them about my Lord and Savior.

Tessera. I miss you.
Boss Club I love you. *in a non dissmiable way*

Trusting Love

2008-12-15T12:11:00.001-06:00

In the midst of an extra long ride home from campus on Saturday morning Morgan turned to me and asked me what the most impactful thing I’d learned in the last four months was. It wasn’t a new question. I had pondered it quite often over the last few weeks as I tried to piece together what had been the most challenging, stretching, and life changing four months of my life so far. But still the question left me dumbfounded. How do you pick one thing when everyday it seems as though hundreds of lessons are thrown at you and you barely have time to write them down on paper before the next one hits you right between the eyeballs.
As Morgan waited for an answer I pieced together thoughts in my mind, trying to formulate some type of semi-coherent answer. Then it hit me, a way to combine the two biggest things I’ve learned into one. Trusting love, God’s and otherwise. I came into the Honor Academy with twisted views of both love and trust, thinking that you had to earn love and trust was all about keeping secrets. It however seems that in my first four months those beliefs have been challenged, and slowly but surely shifted.

In order to truly understand trust and love you have to have people in your life that are willing to teach you what they really mean. Insert the Boss Club, and IT. Every member of those two aspects of my life has continually been showing me what it means to trust and what it means to love. But it’s easy to convince someone to trust your love, your actions and your words, what is more complicated is when your giving, however obscurely the task of convincing someone to trust someone else’s love. That’s what Heidi Buxton took as her job this past semester, and finally just days before Tessera split ways for Christmas break I finally got it.

Trust isn’t about keeping someone’s secrets, it’s about taking care of someone’s heart.

Growing up I think a lot of people get that mixed up. In middle school you trust your friends who don’t tell your latest crush that you’ve fallen for him, in high school you trust your friends who let you copy their homework and keep it a secret, or who don’t tell your parents when you sneak out after curfew. But at the Honor Academy you learn quickly that people who love you aren’t going to keep your secrets.

This is where love comes in. It was months ago, back in October when the fall breeze had just started to blow through campus, when my core, recently having received it’s name, Tessera, sat on the back porch of the café and had a discussion about what love was. I was asked to explain to the group how love was good. I remember talking that night about how love was what you needed not necessarily what you want. I wish that I would have believed in my heart the words that I was saying, it would have made the next two months so much easier. I’ve constantly been put in situations where people have known exactly what I wanted them to do/say, and they haven’t done it, because they knew it wasn’t what I needed. But in doing that they are proving to me that they want what is best for me, that they care more about me succeeding in reaching the calling God has placed on my life then their ability to be comfortable. They care more about my relationship with God than my relationship with them. The same is true with me for them.

I’m learning, trusting love doesn’t mean to trust that your actions have finally earned you the love that people are giving you. On campus earning the amount of love that is constantly poured on you is impossible. Trusting love means trusting the people who say they love you that they really do, that they have your best interest in mind.

It was once told to me that loving someone meant that you allowed them to confront you and part of you loving someone is confronting them. Don’t be so scared to hurt people that you are scared to help them grow. The ways in which I’m learning this lesson everyday are insane.

Choosing To Serve

2008-12-10T13:46:00.001-06:00

The Honor Academy is killing my flesh. It is killing every aspect of life that isn’t completely dependant on the bible, or that doesn’t line up with scripture. That’s what I came here for. It’s hard to remember that though, when those parts of you are dying, the parts of you that have been parts of you for so long. When your comfort zone is pushed and pulled everyday, and you have to force yourself to remember that God is in control, because it doesn’t always FEEL like He is.
Today we found out Mark Newton will no longer be working for Teen Mania, and that my manager for the first four months, Mr. Denver Root, will no longer be serving as the manager of IT Development. I sat in my spot on the windowsill in the training room and tried to hide the tears as he made this announcement. To sit here and talk about the impact these two men have had on my life would take words that haven’t been created, compliments that have never been spoken, and more time then I could ever have.
I remember my first day in IT Development, the ESOAL of IT, also known to the rest of the world as training, had begun, and I was more intimidated then ever. Not only was I trapped in a conference room with people I was sure had more technological knowledge then me, but they were all male. I felt like the weak link on a team that needed to speed up but couldn’t leave me behind. It took time, and growth for me to look at those same people and realize that they were my equals, we were learning together, we were a team.
But even before that I remember my interview with Denver Root, way back in Gauntlet Week, when the crutches I’m once again learning to live without were brand new, and my excitement about the Honor Academy had not yet been tarnished by anything. I remember talking a lot, trying to say something that would make him realize I wasn’t cut out for the IT world, but also remember leaving that meeting knowing that given a few days Denver Root would be my manager.
If you looked from the outside in, on the craziness that has been IT Development this semester, the combining of departments, the hiring of temp. staff, the bringing in of new interns, and now this, the seemingly sudden change of management you would miss out on a lot of what really has gone on between these walls. The one thing that defines this department is the passionate fire every single person has to follow Jesus Christ and have His will be done in EVERY situation. I believe a lot of this passion stems from the example that had been led by Denver Root, the example that he lives out with every moment of every day of his life. It’s funny because if you watched Denver and didn’t really know him, if you came to IT and never went to any of our meetings, you would see his random side where he “merps” at everything and constantly seems to have a vault in his hand, but you wouldn’t see the Mr. Root we see. The Mr. Root who has sparked a fire in my heart to seek the Lord continually and without taking a second off, the Mr. Root who knows the importance of our place in the ministry but also knows the importance of us and our relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s so hard trying to sit here and put the impact he has had on my life and the ways of this department into words, in fact it’s pretty near impossible.
At first devastation filled my heart when I heard we’d no longer be working under Mr. Root, I thought about the things I was going to be missing out on, the chocolate milk during Ministry Placement Evals, the morning meetings always filled with deep and inspirational thoughts, the random honking, the very important, very dangerous vault trips, and the smiles. Then I sat down at my desk and started thinking, thinking about all the things that the Honor Academy had done to me, all the ways it had changed me, and everyone of them, although seemingly devastating at the time had been done to better either myself or the ministry. So I really thought about it, and tried to find the ways this was true for this change as well. Mr. Root has one of the most brilliant IT Development brains I’ve ever encountered, and the time he has been spending doing paperwork, approving vacation days, and doing things like ministry placement evaluations could have been spent developing things for the ministry, allowing us to better reach the generation that Teen Mania is all about reaching and bringing back to Christ. The ministry of Teen Mania is NOT about me and what I’m comfortable with, it’s about reaching those kids who don’t understand the depths of which God loves them, who don’t understand that they have a voice, this ministry is about THEM, and if Mr. Root stepping back as our manager and focusing his mind solely on developing for the ministry will further help us, help them, I am going to support it with my whole heart.
Mr. Keith Johnson is my new manager, and although not sure what his expectations are, nor what all will change with him taking over, I’m going to give him my everything, just as I had grown to love giving Mr. Root. I will not back down from the challenge of fulfilling any role Mr. Johnson asks me to fill. Instead of following the normal human reaction to change, and pulling myself away in the littlest bit, and backing off because I’m not sure of what to give to Mr. Johnson I’m going to put myself even more out there for him to use at his disposal. He is now my manager and I will serve him with just as much and if possible more dedication then I served Mr. Root.
The Honor Academy is taking the things I thought to be true my whole life, the things I thought I needed, the things I relied on and crashing them at my feet, and a whole lot of the time it hurts. It’s teaching me that sometimes I have to completely step out of my comfort zone and serve someone I’ve never served before, or confront someone I’d really rather not confront, but it’s teaching me these things because they are lessons I need to learn. It’s also teaching me about a love that is more faithful then the morning sun. A love that is what is truly driving me to do the things I’m learning to do, the love only our heavenly father can give us, a love that no matter how deeply we return it will never be matched.
So here I am sitting at my desk in IT, under new management, realizing that this is what it necessary to advance the kingdom, so even though it’s uncomfortable, I’m going to take this opportunity and run with it.
The Honor Academy is teaching me that this is not about me, but it’s about the kingdom.

oh and Mr. Root, because I know Smiling is your favorite, I'll continue to smile, and do my job with the joy of the Lord that you have taught me in my heart. :)

Ask and You Shall Receive

2008-12-02T08:01:00.000-06:00

One of the many questions we are ask to ponder at the Honor Academy while thinking about what our vision for life is, asks us about the one thing that when you hear about it makes you righteously angry more then anything else. For some is sex trafficking, for others it’s the unreached people groups, for some it’s the inner-city, for others it’s different aspects of Africa. I’ve spent a while trying to deny mine, and the longer I’m at the Honor Academy, the longer I’m praying for my vision, the longer I’m truly searching it out, the harder it is to continue to deny it.
Abusive relationships. There is not words to describe the amount of emotion that runs through my blood stream when I hear about them, or see evidence about them. I’ve spent forever denying that this in any way could be related to my vision for life, I don’t want to deal with it, I don’t want to deal with the emotions that come with it, I don’t want the broken hearts of the abused in my hands, I don’t want the responsibility of trying to help them through it because I don’t feel like I have the strength. But sitting here after hearing of the murder of one of my roommates friends from home by none other then her boyfriend I’m outraged and I can’t let myself sit back and deny that I’m supposed to in some way stop this from happening. I can’t just sit here and hear about the broken hearts, and shattered minds from this type of abuse.
My heart just breaks for the girls who find themselves lost in the midst of a relationship like this one and don’t feel like they can get out. Their minds have been corrupted to think the abuse they are suffering is love, the only love they will ever have. They have been scared into thinking if they say something about the abuse their voice won’t be heard and the abuse will get worse. They don’t see a way out. Somehow while I was sitting at my desk today creating a new Item Action Database and the little box popped up saying I had an email and I read the first two lines, my heart just busted and I realized I can’t sit here and deny it anymore. These girls and women are so lost, so hurting, so broken and they just need someone to love them, someone to show them that they are not alone and that people want so desperately to help them. I don’t want them to be in the dark and suffer alone, that pain is unbearable, and then as I’m learning more and more everyday can end in death.
I’ve prayed the prayer asking God to break my heart for what breaks His, I’ve prayed that God would reveal to me my vision, show me a glimpse of what I’m going to be spending the rest of my life doing, yet I’ve been denying the one thing He has been showing me. Telling God that I’m not strong enough to deal with an issue so big, people so desperately in need of love and hope, that I couldn’t be trusted with a task like that, there was no way I could even begin to manage. I knew that in my flesh I would hurt them like I’ve been hurt, let them down in the ways I’ve been let down, and I could never see others hurt the way I’ve hurt at my expense. But sitting here thinking about the my roommates friend, the funeral, the parents that just lost their daughter, the teenagers, the people from my generation who lost their friend, their sibling, I’m watching myself fall to pieces and realize, there is no more denying it. I have to do everything possible to keep this from ever happening, to keep girls from feeling the brutal physical and emotional pain of abuse. Not only to do whatever I can to keep it from happening, but to keep it from happening again, to keep it from happening again I have to reach out to the ones who it has happened to, to let them know they are not alone, to let them know that no matter what there is hope, there is a God who loves them so desperately, who wants to take care of them and show them the love they are looking for in the wrong places, who wants to heal their wounds, and their hearts. I want to show them this. I don’t want their to be a single more funeral for a young girl killed by her boyfriend, or a suicide due to abuse.
In order to do this, I myself must be healed, must be whole completely, nothing missing, nothing broken.

This is my passion.

This is my calling.

No more denying it.

No more running away from it.

Once the calling is placed, there is no getting away from it.

I asked for a flash of my future. I asked for a reason for my past.

Ask and You Shall Receive.

Seek Him. Nothing Else.

2008-11-10T13:56:00.000-06:00

Seek Him. Nothing Else.

Tears clouded my vision and hindered my breathing as my ca whispered four simple words in my ear. “Seek Him. Nothing Else.” It was Thursday night – the true beginning to the fasting LTE. I sat sobbing in worship – crying out to God that I couldn’t do it, that there were pressing issues on my heart I needed to talk about – I had too much to get done before Monday rolled around. I had been without food for almost twenty four hours already and not eating again until Sunday was the least of my concerns. I also had been called upon to not speak – no sign language or writing of letters, to not listen to music, to read nothing but the bible, and to not spend “excessive” amounts of time in meetings with Dr. Pillow and Mrs. Sheets.

I sat in worship Thursday night confused and outraged that God would pick this weekend – when I had so much to do – when my heart longed to be with my mom – when my soul had finally begun to open up – why He would pick now to seclude me from everything. My heart was broken. How could He do this to me? More then anything that night I wanted to go home – to the mother I loved so dearly even if I never had been good at showing it – to be away from the pressures and demands of the Honor Academy – to not be sitting in that chair in that auditorium surrounded by people and standards I felt made me look horribly out of place. It was in that instant when I wanted more then anything to run away from everything – that Krystal leaned over to me and said the four words that shaped my weekend and radically changed my life. “Seek Him. Nothing Else.” The words seemed to run on repeat in my head over the next several minutes and I knew I had a choice to make. Would I allow the circumstances of this weekend effect the time the Honor Academy had declared for me to spend in silence with God? Or would I allow my heart in all it’s vulnerability to be open and perhaps moved by God? I don’t remember the moment I made that decision when I let the words of the song flow from my heart, when I stopped declaring them useless background noise to my thought process – I fell out of my chair and onto my face and truly found myself embraced in the moment. Randy’s fiery words engaged my heart and filled me with excitement for the weekend to come. My to-do list was full of different events to write about – ideas to begin my HA scrapbook – Old Testament reading for class – and a few other random writing assignments I’d given myself. I even had two brand new coloring books and 64 brand new crayons. I couldn’t for a moment be without something to do. So as that first session closed Thursday night I walked err…. Crutched back to my room finding the silence – randomly interrupted by bursts of giggles – awkward.

I climbed into my bed and counted the dents in the bunks until sometime shortly after 4:45 am. Sleep and I haven’t been the best of friends lately – and it’s normally here in the wee hours of the morning that most of my homework gets done. Seven O’clock rolled around early and it took me a while to roll out of bed and join my roommates in the circle on the floor. We had agreed before our vow of silence began to gather together through the fast and pray for one another. As I sat there gazing back and forth from one beloved roommate to another – knowing they too had hungry stomachs and active minds – I prayed for each one of them – that God would hold them and show them something through out the day.

My sleepy state stayed with me as I crawled back into bed and thought long and hard about whether or not this weekend was worth it. Whether it was worth it to be so miserably secluded from everything. I knew if I wanted to I could get out of a lot of the weekend. I could be given food to eat and someone to talk to if I just asked. This wasn’t the case for most interns but my medications and a few outside circumstances made this true for me. So what kept me from doing it? At this point I wondered the same thing myself. Friday proved to be a day of self-denial.

Kemtal spoke in our first session of the day. He spoke of the baggage we carry around because we are to afraid to deal with it. How we must deal with it – not hid from it. He talked about how to live a life consecrated – that it was more about your heart then your actions. My heart connected to that talk – the past I have refused to deal with – the wounds I have tried so desperately tried to hide from – I have to deal with them.

I spent the next two hours sitting in the auditorium lobby reading Job twice and slow like Janell always taught me. It was then I wrote the following lines in my journal: “My first three months at the honor academy have been some of the most difficult months of my life. But in that I realized I don’t have to know why – the only thing I need to know is God is God and in total and complete control. It doesn’t give me permission to run and hide from my circumstances but it does give me an ongoing reminder and comfort when I do face my current circumstances and my past experiences, when I fight to get rid of the baggage in my life.”

Awesome Revelation. Satan started attacking my heart then, and I felt my day begin to go downhill. My flesh came alive as my body grew weaker and weaker with each passing hour. I struggled with the desires to give in – to break fast – to focus on all the work I would have to get done on Sunday – to lose myself in my life outside of Teen Mania. But Krystal’s four words repeated constantly in my head. “Seek Him. Nothing Else” I was in the midst of a battle with my flesh with Heidi approached me and embraced me in a hug. I later wrote “Last night before service Heidi gave me a hug. It seems funny to write something like that down – funny to think that getting a hug from Heidi was journal worthy – but my oh my it was. I felt safe and secure – now that I have less then twenty four hours of my fast left – now that I haven’t eaten in sixty hours or spoke in thirty six that hug meant the world to me. I wonder if she knew how desperately I needed it – how important and impactful it was to my weekend. I love our friendship – the ability to sit in silence and feel like we’ve had the most complete conversation of all time. It’s nice – she’s such a blessing.”

Blaise spoke and Courtney led worship for our evening session – I was so deeply lost in my personal pursuit of Jesus’s face and somehow missed the impact of the message. However the worship – wow – the worship, it moved me to tears. Courtney led worship that first weekend I was on campus over a year and a half ago now – it was her music – God flowing through her that confirmed in my mind this was where I needed to be. I really felt my heart moving with the worship and was just reminded that no matter what I was feeling God was real and I was totally devoted to Him – no matter what. I left session that night exhausted, ready for bed, for my sweet bed, my nice pillows, and a relaxing few hours with Jesus. Although not granted what I wished for, the night was…. Well another night, and morning couldn’t have come soon enough.

When morning did come, my heart seemed lighter, and I was actually enjoying the thought of another full day without food in my system and without words to speak. I had no idea what was to come for me in the next twenty four hours. As I sat outside of the auditorium waiting for morning session to begin I pondered a lot of things. I pondered why I was at the honor academy, what good I was doing for this campus by being here, what good I was doing for God by even being alive. Not that I didn’t want to be – I just didn’t understand really why I was. I went into session kind of half hearted, we had been spoiled in evening sessions by Courtney leading worship and it was hard for me to not see her up there when I felt as though I needed it the most.

But as worship came to a close and the lights came up Courtney took to the microphone, and if I thought God spoke to her as a worship leader, I had no idea what was to come. Through out the next hour God used to Courtney to radically change my life and my view on well quite a bit…I don’t have the words…so once again I’ll take it straight from the pages of my journal “ God just radically changed my life through Courtney Gorman. I wish I had even the mere words to journal the effects of just this one session on my entire view of Jesus and myself. The things the bible says are true, real, and right – no matter what I FEEL. I need to – no I have to stop trying to earn something I already have. I must stop. By putting God in a box (that’s probably made for bananas) I’m worshiping a God of my imagination. God created man in His own image – men need to stop trying to return the favor. God is NOT man. He does not react the way we think He will or how we think he should. He loves me. Truly and completely. He loves me. In my weakest times – when I’m lost in the wilderness. He adores me. It’s my heart He is after – He wants ALL of me. He knows I’m not perfect – He knows I mess up – but nothing I can do can make Him love me more or make Him love me less. The reality of all this is just truly sinking in now when I’ve been a Christian for years. I’ve been at the Honor Academy for months and I’m just now realizing that my desperate love for God isn’t just a one way thing – He delights in me – He adores me – He loves me more then the moon and the stars. The loves it’s outstanding – unstoppable.”

My words don’t sum up that session enough, the revelations I received and the hear changes that occurred, I don’t know if words ever can. It was just like a light bulb went off in my head. It doesn’t matter to God how many points I have on my accountability card, it doesn’t matter to Him how many rings I climb up on the ladder I’m still His beloved. Imagine spending years trying to serve and love someone, anyone, maybe it be your parents, maybe it be your best friend, and never realizing that they loved you back. But still trying to get them to love you. Trying to Seek Them and Nothing Else. Imagine doing that for years and never truly getting that they loved you too. That they loved you all those nights you laid in bed and cried yourself to sleep, they loved you all those times you laughed so hard you couldn’t breathe. They loved you through it all. Imagine realizing that. That’s how I felt after this session.

Blaise spoke again in the afternoon, and the passion He speaks with is just revolutionary. He is totally in love with the gospel and it makes it so intense to listen to Him preach. He has such a deep understanding of the love our Father has for our world – the broken and the oppressed. He knows it and I so deeply wish to understand it in the depths that he does. I want to reach out and heal the hurting, but in some ways, I realized that I too needed to accept healing hands from others.

I sat for three hours out side of the SAC as MA’s giggled and laughed inside…the funny thing was I didn’t even want to be in their talking with them, words seemed meaningless as I found myself lost in the love my heavenly father has for me. Tears welled up in my eyes as one by one my friends, my confidents, my MA’s, walked by and I couldn’t say a word to them, I couldn’t tell them I loved them or remind them about an awkward moment to make them laugh. Melanie gave me a hug as she walked out of the SAC, and I just realized how much hugs really mean, how many words they say when you aren’t allowed to speak.

I went into our final session on Saturday, the second to last session of the fasting LTE, ready for God to show up in BIG ways as I had once again felt my heart shift off to my home life rather then Seeking Him and Nothing Else. I sat in the presence of the LORD and felt Him come in big ways through the worship that was once again led by none other then Courtney Gorman. She stopped singing and just began speaking words over her music and I just felt like they were words coming from my own life. It was intense. Blaise took the microphone and the Holy Spirit took even more control. I know I’ve been doing this a lot but I feel like it’s the best way for you to really look into what my weekend was…Here is another peace of my journal…from worship Saturday night.

“I will let you love me in my weakest time. I will let you love me. I am allowed to be loved. It’s allowed. I was made to be loved. Jesus I will let you love me in my weakest times. By this I’m defined. What would it be like to truly define myself based on the love of Christ? How great would that be? Seek Him. Nothing Else. He loves me……He isn’t going to just love me when I’m perfect – I’ve got a lot of work to do – a lot – but He is never going to stop loving me. Even when I fall. You’ll love me even then. Help me remember that Jesus. Help me remember that I’m loved always. I’m never alone. You are always with me – always. …… Who knew that on day three of fasting when it’s been seventy hours since any of us have eaten anything we’d have the energy for a thirty minute dance party”

God showed up in huge ways in worship on Saturday night, in ways I’d never seen before, in ways my heart just had never grasped He could show up. Blaise took the microphone and seemingly ceaselessly turned us from blazing worship dance party to a full out preaching. That man has knowledge, knowledge at this point I can only dream of. I went to bed last night fully full of the Spirit, almost so much so that I couldn’t sleep, but the thing was I did. I slept. It was peaceful sleep too.

Morning came early, but my stomach wasn’t hungry as I found myself standing outside the auditorium waiting to be let in to morning session. Someone walked out and said they had decide to extend the fast, my heart jumped I was thrilled, then he said until thanksgiving and I realized he was joking, my heart kind of stopped and I was disappointed for a second. I found myself thinking a lot about the weekend and everything I learned as I took communion and felt for the first time in days, the taste of food and something besides water going down my mouth. I’m going to close my play by play of the weekend with just one last glimpse into my journal, taken from closing session just moments after that communion that in so many ways changed the way I view communion.

“Oh what a weekend and what a shame that it’s almost over. What did I learn this weekend? That even in the darkness – even in the wilderness – even then – when the distractions of the world are so much – even then – when everything seems to be falling apart, when I seek Him and nothing else – even if I don’t feel it – I WILL find Him.

The devotion He has for me is finally truly starting to surface. It’s deep and it’s unchanging. I don’t have to earn it. Jesus already earned it for me. I never truly understood that before – I never got it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget what Courtney said “Stop trying to earn what you already have” God always loves me. God KNOWS me, EVERY PIECE of my and He still loves me unconditionally. He just loves me – it’s so undeserved but so important”

So here I am about thirteen hours after breaking fast with communion, thinking back on this weekend, thinking back on how much it changed my life and my views of myself and my Jesus. In awe of how much one weekend can change everything. Here I am sitting at my desk in IT trying to figure out a good way to sum this up, a good way to put an end to this crazy long note and go on with life, hopefully finding a bed within a few hours and sleeping until corporate in the morning. And I can’t do it. I can’t figure out how to sum this weekend up, but I’m going to try because I desperately want to find a bed soon.

This weekend to me was so much more then a fasting LTE, so much more then a have to do situation that I was put in, it was real. For the first time I realized that I was loved, passionately, by the same God who I’d spent years trying to earn His love, when it was around all the time. I learned this weekend the real importance of hugs, how they can say all the words you’d ever need to say without ever letting sound escape your lips. I realized that even in the wilderness when things are hard, God still loves you. I realized that with His love and Him by my side I could go willingly through anything to glorify Him further. I also realized in the midst of all the Jesus love how much I truly am blessed by the people He has put in my life this year, the examples and the influences I have. I love all of you guys. And I love a Jesus who desperately loves me back.

To end this I’m going to quote my wonderful adopted ETer Meghan Fife “Know that this stuff is ETERNAL, and not just fluff”

It isn't summer camp

2008-10-07T06:55:00.001-05:00

So I’ve been here almost two months. Orange Block is over and campus has lost its summer camp feel. I feel like ESOAL was thought to be the grand finale, that maybe life would slow down and we’d have time to breathe. If only we’d known how wrong we were. I’ve started to drink vault, because I’ve never been so tired before in my life, and yes that includes my 40 hour day earlier this summer; not to mention it’s not just one day of being tired, it’s a constant tired state. I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired, sometime before this summer started, possibly before my senior year. But as an intern, the word tired takes on a whole new meaning.
Besides being tired, the overall attitude on campus is changing. The excitement that came with the new opportunities and new friendships is wearing off as we settle into fairly “normal” intern life. Although the only things I’ve found to be normal in the life of an intern are taking 30 second naps during IT training breaks, rejoicing over getting change that involves quarters, finding yourself doing everything on the four count, and treasuring those trips to Wal-Mart.
I knew coming in this wasn’t going to be easy; the Honor Academy has high standards, probably the highest standards I’ve ever required myself to live up to in my life, and I knew that from the start. But what I didn’t know what just how HARD it was going to be. Janell handled her internship year with such ease, the not sleeping, the tests, the quizzes, the reading. She would tell me it was hard, but it never once showed in her attitude or her words, she had herself UNDER control. Which is what made really believing it was going to be hard difficult for me; I knew it, but I struggled to believe it. It’s not as easy as Janell made it out to be, in fact its dog gone hard. But it’s not just hard because the standards are high, because we’re expected be to full of joy at 5am in the morning when we are doing corporate on the ANVIL (Which I successfully completed on one leg today), or because we have to keep our rooms in tip top shape, the hardest part isn’t even the balancing the classes, with the ministry placement, with the core, with the other friends. That’s not what makes it hard.
Satan makes it hard. I think this is the part of the puzzle I forgot when I was “preparing” myself for the internship. Getting up long before the sun for weeks in advance going running, doing sit-ups, saying goodbyes, and making schedules to keep in touch with my friends back home, or even when I spent lots and lots of time in prayer getting physically, socially, and emotionally ready to come to the Honor Academy. I wasn’t prepared and that’s because I forgot something Abby Pound taught me long ago one December night right in the midst of things with David. She said “Lyssa I know you believe in Jesus Christ as you LORD and Savior but do you believe He has an enemy who is passionately trying to pull you away from Him?” I don’t remember how I responded that night, but I’m pretty sure I blew it off without really thinking about it. Now in the midst of the most important year of my life I’m learning.
Talking to an old friend last night I tried to explain this concept to her. I came into campus thinking it was a safe place, a place where I’d get a break from temptations because we were so removed from the world. Little did I know I was about to truly learn the meaning of spiritual warfare, and it was nothing I’d ever experienced before. Since being on campus I’ve been tested, and tempted, and pushed and pulled and taken out of my comfort zone more then I ever have in my entire life. It has been anything but the “safety zone” I dreamed of. It’s been hard, uncomfortable, dirty, and difficult, many times I’ve looked around and wondered why I haven’t given up, why I haven’t rang out of my own personal ESOAL.
It’s hard, I’m not going to sit here and tell you it isn’t, everyday the thought crosses my mind of theoretically “ringing the bell” and being done with it. But we’re learning about making EVERY THOUGHT obedient to Jesus Christ, and I’m getting better at it. I’m supposed to be here, God destined for me to be here a long time ago, before I got that phone call from Janell, before I got sick, before I could walk or talk even. He knew I was going to be here and He knew this was how my first however many days would go. He knew it would be hard. He knew I wouldn’t get to participate in ESOAL but He also knew that I would be stretched to my limit emotionally in ways that weren’t so obvious to the people around me. He is still in control and His word is still true.
I know that through every single bump and bruise I’ve gone through already this year, and will continue to go through, GOD WILL BE GLORIFIED, and as long as I respond properly I will grow into a more effective leader and Christian. It is all really worth it. But what wouldn’t be worth it? What wouldn’t be worth being obedient and trusting God through everything? Jesus was obedient to the point that He DIED for us. He hung on a cross and DIED. How can I even complain about the things I’m going through right now.
So this update isn’t all butterflies and rainbows, but intern life isn’t and I refuse to give that impression to you. But that’s thing it isn’t summer camp, it isn’t about giving us warm fuzzy and making us feel at home, it’s about making us leaders, filling us with discipline and integrity and equipping us to provoke a generation to passionately pursue Jesus Christ and take His life giving message to the ends of the earth. We’re doing something Satan hates, we’re going to get attacked, we’re going to struggle, but what matters most is how we respond to that temptation. And I’m learning, learning to trust, learning to grow, learning to live.
I couldn’t do this without Jesus and His gift to us, nor could I do it without the constant blessing He is giving me through other people. I’ve been blessed with sharing campus with two of my best friends from before this year started in Morgan and Janell and have been amazed at how close we’ve continued to be through the rollercoaster ride that has been the first two months of Morgan’s and I’s undergrad year and Janell’s GI year. My core, Tessera, leaves me awestruck, I don’t think they realize, all of them, my roommates, my CA, our adopted GI’s realize just how much they have been an encouragement to me and a constant reminder to keep going even when it isn’t easy. I love them.

So pretty much it isn’t summer camp.
It’s isn’t all rainbows and butterflies.
It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and hard.
But it’s worth it.

So to answer your question.
“I’m full of joy Sir, full of joy(and love)”
And no where near ready to ring out.

He Got Me Here

2008-09-18T10:15:00.001-05:00

I laid in the grass on the opposite side of the hill outside of Carey with my best friend on Saturday night. As we sat in amazement at the growing number of stars we were able to see we talked. We talked about life, and just enjoyed being with each other, being with Jesus. Janell turned a song on her IPOD, and familiar lyrics began to fill my ears:
i can't understand this work of grace
how a perfect GOD, would come and take my place
the stars, they don't move YOU
the mountains in their splendor
cannot steal YOUR heart
this GOD, who is holy, perfect in beauty
awesome in glory, is ravished by my heart
though i'm poor YOU say i am lovely
though i'm dark YOU say i am beautiful
somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed YOU
and somehow my weak love, it has stolen away YOUR heart
i can't understand this work of grace
how a perfect GOD, would come and take my place...
To this moment I don’t know if Janell picked that song or if it was just the first song her IPOD started to play, but I know either way Jesus had a huge hand in it. That was the first song I ever heard at the Honor Academy on April 20th, 2007, Janell had taken my journal and scribbled a few of the lyrics down, and I read through them often. To have that song play to me was just like all the little signs I picked up that first weekend here, it was God’s little memo line to Lyssa Kaye Harper “this is where you belong.”
Friday I will have been on campus for four weeks. The days here are long, but they go by so fast, maybe it’s because I’m always busy, or there always seems to be twenty thousand things on my outlook to do list, or maybe it’s just because I’m more aware that God is everywhere all the time, and he notices every detail, here on campus, where ever your reading this from, and every detail in China. Always. He always gets it all. Imagine how long his days seem, but with so much to take in, time must fly.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Steadfast Romance, Janell’s old core that became the mentors and advisors God knew I needed to get up the confidence to make this, the Honor Academy, part of my life. I’m constantly reminded of them, as everyday I walk into Carey and glance down the hallway to their old rooms before hopping up the stairs to my hallway, or when I see Val in the dorms and remember her getting her hair stuck in the berry bush in Janell’s yard. Merrit, Amanada, Michelle, Jamie, Mandy, and Val allowed me to be a part of their lives at a time when they very easily could have excluded me from it. The lesson they taught me, the prayers they prayed, the inspiration they dished out is so much a part of what got me here, I could never thank them enough. So from me to you, Steadfast Romance, here’s a hug. Never forget the things you learned your intern year.
On that note I had my first meeting with my own CA, awesome in her own right, on Monday during an extended dinner hour. It took me a while to open to just talking so that she could learn my heart, but once I did I could feel God’s presence in the room (that looks scary amounts like Val’s CA room a year and a half ago.) Krystal is amazing, and her heart is so on fire for Jesus, and our generation, she spoke truth into my heart and my life, and helped solidified some things Janell and I had talked about that night on the hill. We all came to the HA for God to teach us different things, similar but different. I came to learn how to be, not what to do. I’m going to quote Krystal here just because I don’t want to steal her words and there is no better way to say it “Were human beings, not human doings.” I’ve always been an action driven person, I like to DO things with people, or for people. I like to DO things for God, but struggle to just be with Him.

I love people, but struggle to be loved. I feel like I need to earn it, everyday in order for it to be real, love that is. It’s crazy how I didn’t realize that until I got here, until I began trying to have new friendships, trying to earn their love and trust, at a difficult and trying time in my life. During Gauntlet, working out in the rain I tore my tibial tendon in my ankle, supposedly that’s kind of important to function. I have to have help hoping in and out of the shower stall, carrying pretty much anything, getting my food at meals, haven’t been able to participate in corporate, and won’t be partaking in ESOAL. I haven’t been able to do things for myself let alone do things to earn others love. God’s teaching me things.
Today I sat in the front row as Mr.Hasz taught the class I have been waiting to hear him teach for a year now. Adversity. I’d heard it before and had my five pages of printed out notes, could have tuned out and still known pretty much every word he said, but I decided to pay attention. My oh my am I glad I did. I’m giddy. I’m frustrated with myself for some of my actions over the last four weeks, but I’m giddy. I’ve been faced with so much adversity in my first four weeks here, adversity that sometimes I let control way more of my life then I should have. But I can’t change it now, and beating myself up over it isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. Sitting in class today, hearing that session, I realized how stupid it was that I was letting ANYTHING get in the way of me being the happiest person in the world this year.
God has enough mercy, grace, and love for ME that he got me here. He overcame the relationship issues, the health issues, the financial issues. He got me to campus. Like this was the one thing I hoped for over the last eighteen months, it gave me hope when I didn’t have any, and it gave me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and I’m here and I was letting Satan’s stupid lies keep me from experiencing that complete and total happiness.I love my core, to think I struggled to accept them is crazy.
My ACA and my CA are perfect for my year, although that in no ways means my Gauntlet core and my Gauntlet CA are any less important then they were three weeks ago on one of our last nights together.
My roommates are amazing, yes even the ones that wake me up by blowing the blow dryer in my face (it’s ok, Jesus was waiting).
My core makes me laugh and smile, and cry when it’s time to.
My IT buddies…they are something special that’s for sure.
And morgan and Janell, are more then I could ever ask for in friends.
I’m Blessed. So are you. Let yourself find it.
Find the way Jesus Blessed you today and rejoice in it.

The first 13 days!

2008-08-27T14:50:00.001-05:00

Wow. Just about every journal entry I’ve written since I came to campus has started with Wow. Most often that wow was very happy, but fewer and less convenient I have been overwhelmed with how overwhelming being on campus can be.
It’s crazy to think I’ve been here almost two weeks, and that for almost two weeks I’ve lived the life of an intern. Just thinking about it makes my stomach do flips and truly realize that we can’t EVER put God in a box. It really all comes back to that one phone call, that one night, early in February of 2007, the phone call I didn’t want to take, but I’m so glad I did. But even after I took that phone call I don’t think I ever realized just how much it would change my life. Sure it gave me hope when I was hopeless and made me feel secure when I didn’t think that was possible. But I never ever could have even imagined that I would be here, now, sitting at a computer in the IT department of Teen Mania, helping run a ministry that is about everything I’ve strived my entire life to be about, because of that one phone call.
I wonder if Janell had any idea. I wonder if she knew that I would end up here, side by side with other August 2008 interns, while she was a GI, and I would come to her house for dinner, take naps in her bed, wear her belt at corporate. When did it change from just a phone call to one of the most epic moments of my life? It’s just…WOW.
The last two weeks have been great. I was blessed with the best Gauntlet core I could have ever dreamed of. I miss them and love every one of them. My roommates during Gauntlet saved me so many times, Sam quite literally as I decided it would be a smart idea to dive head first out of my bed. L I really wish I could put in words how much I love my gauntlet core, and tell you how at home I felt with my ACA and my CA, they were so amazing, or how much evening sessions made my heart completely transform, but there are no words for this. There are no words for the amazement that constantly is flowing through my blood stream about how amazing this place is, how full of God it is.
I’m sitting here writing this during the end of my lunch break, and realizing that for the last few days I’ve had a really hard time adjusting to my new core (ok, if your on campus and reading this, or if you’ve talked to me the last few days, your like LYSSA DUH!, but hold on that’s not what I’ve realized) in having a hard time adjusting to my new core I’ve gotten closer with a few amazing people, but I’ve also missed out on some fun times with my new core, the core I’ll spend everyday for the next year living with. It’s a rough spot to be in.
Besides the obvious extra help and inspiration from Janell, which is so different when I can see her face to face rather then having to imagine her facial expressions from hundreds if not thousands of miles away. I’ve been talking with Mercedes the RMA for upstairs green and one of the wisest people I’ve ever met in my life. Her advice always hits home, and close to the heart. She’s had a rough few weeks but she’s held her head high and continued to do everything she could to change this world, and she’s done so, way more then she can ever imagine.
So in turn I’ve been on campus for about thirteen days, and I’ve laughed, cried, and made more friends then I thought I would all year long. It’s crazy because on the way to dinner that first night with my new core Krystal asked me what my expectations where for this year, and the more I thought about it the more I realized that they had already been met. I made friends, I made memories, I laugh, and I felt more equipped to fight in the battle for our generation.
Gauntlet was amazing. I had some situations outside the Honor Academy that often times made it difficult to imagine staying here for a year but I have some amazing friends inside and outside my gauntlet core that helped me remember why I was here and what my purpose being here was.
I also had the most amazing birthday of my life, curiosity of Janell Camp and Morgan Becker. There aren’t words to describe how much each surprise made my heart jump and made my stomach flip. These girls KNOW me, they KNOW what would make my day and they went out of their way to make it MY special day. I also committed to a year at the Honor Academy that day, probably the most important commitment of my life.
But Saturday morning as cores were re-aligned I realized for the first time this wasn’t some safe summer camp. This was an internship, where things weren’t always about us being comfortable, about us being happy, it was about us being stretched farther then we thought possible and leaning on God when we feel like we have no one. I was placed in Krystal’s core in Upstairs Carey and as happy as I should have been about that I was devastated to see my gauntlet core remain close and the few outcasts be thrown into worlds that we didn’t completely understand. I was bitter. My heart hurt, I felt as though I had let everyone down, because I was unhappy, and not okay. I was letting Satan win.
I’m not going to sit here and say that things are completely one hundred percent better. I’m not going to tell you that I’m always going to be thrilled with my new core or okay when I see my old core all together. But what I will tell you is that I refuse to give Satan ANY power in my generation at the fault of my mind. I have Jesus Christ in my heart and it’s His promises and His words that will rule my mind. 13 days of my internship complete. I don’t want it to ever end.

Another Chapter In Another Book

2008-08-14T07:54:00.003-05:00

So. I started writing this blog once when I left in 181 hours, then once when i left in 100, then once at 72, and now I've sat down to really write this out less then twenty four hours before I'll get in the car with Morgan and begin our trek to the Honor Academy for the year I've been waiting for for over 18 months.

Leaving, not on a jet plane, but in the car that has become my second home over the last three months, with the girl who has become like a sister to me. Were traveling to a land that some will never understand, a place where discipline, intergerity, and self confidence are necessary for survival.

It's funny that now, when my heart is full of emotions I've never felt before, and my soul is singing a new song, I don't have words to say. The girl who talks so much, is silent, the day before a new chapter in her book begins. It's not that I don't have things I want to say, it's just when your hearts working this fast it's hard to get words that can even halfway measure up.

Tomorrow morning at 6:00 am I will be running down the stairs to Morgan's car, bankie, rufferes, purse, and laptop bag in tote. Everything else gets packed and loaded today. I have one more night sleeping in my own bed, one more night eating dinner with my dad and becky, one more night to spend on facebook and answering those middle of the night phones calls i've grown to expect. Sometimes this fact makes me cry. Sometimes it makes my stomach hurt. And yet others I'm giddy with excitement. THIS is what I've been waiting for. THIS is what gave me hope in my darkest hour, and the fact that it's just around the corner (quite litterally) just brings a whole rush of emotions I didn't fully prepare myself for.

I tried to prepare for tonight and tomorrow for a long long time, since last year really. Almost exactly twelve months ago when I was packing up this same room to move to Houston, unsure of what to expect, while venturing to the world of the unknown. In some ways this move should be easier, in others it's so much more difficult. I'm an adult. Well, in eight days I will be. This is my move into adulthood.

I think most of you know by now that I'm spending my freshman year at the Honor Academy, a Christian internship program, where I will be receiving credit like a college freshman, while being trained in discipline, intergrity, and biblical studies. I want to learn to serve God with my everything and become stronger and more confident in my faith while being further equipped to lead people to him and bring them the Good News everyone deserves to hear. I will also be partaking in a mission trip next summer, at this point it looks like Jamica is my destination of choice but God very well might be changing those plans.

Some of you may not know what I'm getting myself into, other's think I'm joining a cult, others are excited for what's going to change in my life, and yet other's are supporting me because they trust me to make the right decisions with my life. At this point that is all I can ask. It's not the most direct route through college, but it's what I've felt called to do, and I'm willing to work at it and sacrifice to stay there.

At time (particularly during the first six weeks) my texting and facebook/internet time will be limited. *huge gasp* It's something that to me is worth giving up to get closer to our Lord and Savior. But if you call me or facebook me, I will try to get back to you as soon as possible (and messages will always make me smile). If you could please refrain from texting as that will be temptation for me, thanks :). I'll text you when I can, promise.

During the next twenty four hours all prayer you can offer up for me will be more then apperciated as it will be such an emotional time of goodbyes and of hellos (you know that girl, Janell, who I hvaen't seen her face in 15 MONTHS), and I will need Jesus with me every step of the way.

One last thing before I leave you with a song I've been listening to on repeat for days now. My birthday is a week from tomorrow, and i know most of you are poor interns, or college students, but a card my first week at the HA would make my day, and if you feel so inclined I"m asking for wal-mart gift cards. The address you can mail it to is:

Janell Camp

13410 CR 4122
Lindale, TX 75771

Somehow make it known on the outside of whatever you send that it's for my birthday....so she knows and doesn't open it. That's not my address for the whole year...although if you sent something their i'd get it....

The song that is my theme song for leaving and has constantly been putting my heart at ease these last few days is called The Call...

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never

Been this way before

All you can do is try to know

Who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye..

Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye..

In roughly 20 and a half hours I"m heading off to my favorite painting....

I want to save the world.

2008-08-10T21:42:00.002-05:00

So my last weekend living at home is winding down more and more with each second, and my parents did everything they could to make it memorable but not overwhelming. I love them for that. But this blog isn't about that.
I went and saw Dark Knight today. I hated it. My step brother told me I was probably the only person in the history of America to hate that movie. So what if I am. I did. The message was great, and I'll get to that in a second, but it was SO dark. Maybe I"m not a normal teenager, but the whole blowing people up thing, isn't for me. It's not like I'm not fun, just I could do without people being strapped to bombs and blowing their head off. Not only that but EVERY superhero movie is the same. A girl madly in love with a superhero and a pretty normal guy, split between the two. Can someone be orignal and think of a new underlining romantic plot? It was two and a half hours of violence that I could have done without, and I was totally ready to smack talk this movie more then I have until the end, when the point, the moral, the underlining lesson to be learned rang loud and clear.

Batman didn't want to be a hero, he wanted to be whatever Gotham City needed him to be.

At that moment, when I realized that, I could relate to batman, to letting him get the blame for everything that happened. I want to save the world, and the end of this movie rang that reminder through my heart like a gun on fire, but couldn't we show the world that point with the guns, and the bombs, and the explosives. Is that what it really takes to get the lesson across? And how many people who see that movie really come out of it thinking that way? Thinking of all the ways they want to save the world? I know I did. But I was also the only one who didn't like the darkness of it all...hmph. what does that mean?

I want to make an impact, deeply, one that can be felt. I want to be like batman in the fact that I don't care if people know who I am as long as they know I LOVE Jesus and serve him. I love everyone and want to help them all. Like so deeply sometimes I can't breathe my heart aches for them so badly.

Batman reminded me I want to save the world.